50 Shades of Shut the fuck up

It's been a while since I've wrote on this thing, and why not start it back up with my hate of 50 Shades of Grey! It took me 5 months to read this shitty book, it wasn't exciting and every time the author said 'my inner goddess' I wanted to kick a kitten. I honestly get more turned on watching old ladies in the food court eating soup from Tim Hortons than I did from this book.

I have a weird collection of vintage naughty books. There's so many other, BETTER kinky books out there ladies, think outside the box to get your box wet! Below I have lil tidbits from 50 Shades of Grey and a 1976 naughty novel called Madam's Naughty Niece, do the moisture test and see which one steams the clam more.

50 Shades: “I pull him deeper into my mouth so I can feel him at the back of my throat and then to the front again. My tongue swirls around the end. He’s my very own Christian Grey-flavored popsicle. I suck harder and harder … Hmm … My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves.” 

1976 vintage naughty: "She rides his cock, her hands caressing the gray hair on his chest, stroking his nipples. The big prick slid more easily into her well-oiled pussy the second time . She slid down on it, sank on it, feeling the muscular rod move tightly, firmly, up her throbbing hole" 

You're welcome ladies. Happy Valentine's Day you hussies. 

My love for AriZona Iced Tea and my hate for independent variety stores!

Sometimes I get really heated up over things, especially when a shitty variety store tries to charge nearly double the price for a 99 cent can of AriZona Iced Tea. I decided to contact the company itself to tell them what's up. Here is my email, followed by their response, which was an almost immediate reply, and a great reply, everyone should go buy some AriZona products right now!


Hi there, after an exhausting search to find the answer of what to do when a store sells your product for more than it's suggested retail price (which wasn't the answer I wanted) I need to ask you for your permission, but first let me explain. All through college I drank only your product, because it is cheap yet delicious! I still often get cravings for a nice cold iced tea, So, one cold stormy day in Canada I walked 5 mins to the store in a blizzard to stock up on my fav bevy, to only find out the variety store owner was charging 1.49 plus tax for your product that is labelled 99 cents, Da fuq!!!!? I got in a 22 minute argument with this man over it. Don't get me wrong, your product is worth way more than 99 cents, it's incredible. But this man is defecating on your company's mission statement of offering an affordable product! Yes, I could find another place to buy your products, but it pissed me off that he was taking advantage of consumers like that. So I'd like your permission to punch him in the throat while holding a can of your iced tea?Your website says retailers have the right to charge whatever for the products. But I plan on winning this battle one throat punch at a time! 

I love your drinks. Keep on keeping on! 

Leanne B


Here is the company's response:

Ha. So good. 

Da Baby Boom of 2014!

It seems like this long, cold winter has caused quite the baby boom, it seems as though everyone has had a baby or is pregnant. I guess that the logical thing to do when it's cold out is to get balls deep into a warm vagina. But along with this baby boom epidemic comes with sever case of baby fever for childless women in their prime child bearing age. Even for a very slight moment when I cradled my best friend's new born son in my arms, my empty uterus tried to trick me into sitting on the next dink I saw to get pregnant, I had to take my uterus on a candy filled tour of Bulk Barn to talk her into waiting a little longer before we create a baby. I decided to write a blog about all the reasons to NOT have a crib midget (baby). Now there is the obvious reasons one is not ready to have a baby, such as you don't have a significant other-but that is a minor detail-sperm can be found pretty much anywhere, and how about the fact that you don't have a great paying job? Bah, no problem, I see plenty of mother's who use the Government as their personal bank account, they walk around with their nails done, wearing lulu lemon and have enough money to go out on weekends to drink, clearly having a stable job and having a baby are not in direct correlation to one another. But here are the other not so obvious reasons I know I am not ready to become a Mom despite my ticking time clock that is counting down inside of my uterus.

• I like to sit on the toilet and not get interrupted by a small child. When you become a parent you must face the fact that you will be having an audience when you pee and poop, along with that audience comes the questions about why you have hair on your genitals etc. 
• I think it's totally acceptable to name my child Forrest, but I will spell it 4rest. That's a great reason to not have a child yet, until I come up with better names. 
• I love eating my meals that I spend my precious time cooking, hot, not ice cold. When you have kids, you will likely never eat a hot meal again. Kids don't get the concept of just sitting down and eating, just as you go to take a bite of food, they will need a drink, once you get that drink for them, sit down, get a fork full of food, that same kid will need ketchup, etc etc. 
• Remember those good ol days of non-scheduled sex? Or being as loud as you could be until your neighbours called the cops? Making love on the kitchen table? Ya...no...not anymore. Parents need to pretend like daddy is helping mommy change a lightbulb in the laundry room just to get a quick handjob while the kids watch Dora The Explorer. Daddy's dick goes soft every time the kids abruptly yell 'Swiper noooo swiping'...and if you have no idea what that phrase means, you soon will. You will never watch an adult based show again during day time hours.
• I love sleeping, I love sleeping for more than 3 hour intervals at a time. 
• I like using my boobs for play not for nourishment for a baby gumming on my nips til they are chapped and bleeding. 
• I loveeee my vagina and it's current condition, I'm not ready to turn it into ground beef to give birth to a baby.

People say being a parent is the most amazing thing you could ever do in your life. But just because all of your friends are ready for that hurdle doesn't mean you need to be replacing your birth control pills with tic-tacs anytime soon. Kids change everything, and if you aren't ready to adjust your life for that baby, and be in the most selfless state of mind you can possibly be in, maybe you aren't ready. On that note...I gotta go roll some change to take to Shopper's Drug Mart and buy me a year's supply of plan b pills....

Free hugs!

While out and about today, truth be told I was going to buy an obnoxious amount of candy from the bulk store to gorge on in honour of being single on Valentine's Day. But standing on the street corner I see something amazing, this gentleman is holding a sign giving out free hugs to people who feel lonely! Obviously I took him up on that offer. He gave a nice hug, just the right amount of squeeze. So I went and bought him a Valentine's Day card and put a couple of bucks in it for him to buy a coffee. This guy is amazing, he is standing in the cold, cheering people up. So I give him a round of applause. And it made me think, men don't have to wear shiny armour to be a knight in shining armour, sometimes, the true gentlemen have dreads and piercings. Thank you to this guy for the hug, putting a smile on my face and restoring my faith in humanity! I felt like I should pass on the good deed and made my own sign and stood on a street corner. My sign said "Lonely on Valentine's day? going home to masterbate!? Let me help you out, free handjobs!" Have a great V-day everyone, wrap your whopper junior, we don't need a mass amount of bastard children being born in 9 months!

Today is brought to you by the letter F, F is for fellatio.

I saw an article floating around the internet about what women think about while giving a blow job. So, here is my take on that same topic: 

• Upon seeing the penis for the first time: "Why the fuck did I brag to this guy about me not having a gag reflex? You can't gag on something that's 3 inches...."
• "I'm going to put my hair up in a pony tail before I get to business, this is the international sign of 'shits about to get real'. 
• "Did he think by shaving his pubic region that THIS dick would appear larger? And why the fuck wouldn't you shave your thighs too, all I'm seeing is a naked mole rat in a forest of thigh hair...."
• "Okay, just do some fancy tricks with your tongue and hopefully this will last as long as his dick length...not long at all and then you can be home in time to watch that documentary on sperm whales on The Discovery Channel"
• "I dunno, should I lick a ball or two? Well, he did pay for my meal at The Keg, okay..just one ball though..."
• "Bad idea with the balls, he definitely didn't shower today after hockey...."
• "He must be enjoying this, he is starting to sound like Chewbacca..."
• "What the fuck why is he rubbing my ear lobe...."
• "I'm fairly confident I am doing a stellar job at this, I think it'd be okay if he left a fifty on the bed side table, I couldn't even be offended that he thought I did this for a living..."
• "Did he just stop breathing? No wait, is he about to have a seizure...oh ok..no, this is how he finishes..oh...ok....ya, no he definitely ate asparagus today....." 

Wax on, wax off.

One of the many trials and tribulations of being a woman is that we need to make the decision on how our vagina looks. Do we want it to be naked as the day we were born, and possibly created a complex in our men that they are attracted to bare vagina that resembles pre-pubescent teens, do we want to let it grow naturally, wild and free and risk the chance of our lover never being able to find our clit thru the lush pubic hair forest, or do we do some elaborate design in the shape of a wu tang symbol, heart, star, the first initial of the person enjoying our treasure box, or why not just leave a random little patch of hair that looks like a random furry bandaid left above your labia?! There are too many decisions for vaginal up keep. And the shit we go thru to keep her looking attractive is border line insane. It is never a comforting thought to make an appointment to go see a stranger to do the hedge trimming below the belt on your behalf, but it is indeed, worth it. Many years ago, I was too insecure to go spread eagle for a professional who could most likely do the vag maintenance properly and safely for me. So instead, I bought a wax kit, read thru the manual on how to wax my bikini area, and proceeded, with not enough caution to wax my own kitty cat. I was dating a new guy and the time was nearing to let him conquer my play area and I wanted it to be pretty and on point. Well, needless to say, that did not happen, I warmed the wax, awkwardly squatted/spread my legs, and applied an obnoxious amount of Hot, gooey, slimy wax to my vagina and local areas. I then placed the wax strip over the area I wanted to start with, but I got scared and had to talk myself into ripping off the strip. I waited far too long and the wax started to harden, I restarted my count down to rip the strip off, 50 times, by the time I did it I ripped it off and I actually had to check to see if I took a vag lip off with it. I whimpered and continued the process. My public region was a mess. Bald patches some places, then wax matted pubic hair in other places. I googled what to do in this situation and how to remove the excess wax, water and soap were not working, I tried trimming and shaving to remove the slicked back pubic hair coated in wax but it just made things worse. Sites on google suggested patting nail polish remover on the wax to get it to loosen up, uhhhh...I'm not really comfortable with that, good news is, if you had herpes or the clap I'm sure it would be gone after you bathed your twat in nail polish remover. After trying everything to get my vagina into an attractive state, I just gave up. I was sad that my date with a super hot guy that night would not be involving sex. After we went out for dinner and a movie we started getting hot and heavy, and when it came time to him begging to have some sex I just admitted to him I massacred my vagina earlier with a DIY wax kit. His response, "does your vagina still work?" And even though it looked like a damn mess, it did In fact still work. And we had sex that night, neither he nor his penis seemed to care about how my vagina looked, and I realized, we spend so much time and money on our vagina grooming, and I really don't know if guys care as much as we think they do. So, In conclusion my words of wisdom are, keep your vagina looking how you want it to look, with having a vagina it comes with great power over men so if you decide to wax it, even though it's awkward and you will without a doubt have a stranger looking directly at your vag hole and likely your asshole too if you get a Brazilian, it is worth it.

Why are people so ignorant...igna'ant I tellz ya!

This is not your usual Leanne type of blog post. Today I feel the need to rant about something serious. Today I ran into a woman I know who I spoke to a few weeks ago who had mentioned her daughter was getting married. When I saw her today I asked how the wedding went, she said it was beautiful but then she confessed to me that she lied to me previously about her daughter marrying her boyfriend, and that in fact her daughter married her girlfriend. And I said why would you lie about that, no one should care the sex of the person her daughter married. This woman, starts crying and telling me people didn't show up to the wedding because her daughter chose to marry a female. She also mentioned that in the past that when she mentioned her daughter was a lesbian that people have said rude things or abruptly ended the conversation. This broke my heart (what's left of this cold,cold heart). She told me her daughter and now daughter in law have been together since grade 9, went to college together, travelled the world together, and have been together for almost 17 years! They have been together longer than my hymen was attached to my vaginal wall. How the fuck can anyone question their love!? It pisses me off how people think same sex relationships are wrong. I'm a heterosexual female, and I've been in loveless, emotionally abusive and physically abusive relationships does that make my 'love'/relationships more superior than a same sex couple just because I have a vagina and the stupid men I've dated had a penis? Fuck no! Being single I know how hard it is to find love, to find someone to truly love you when times are good/bad, love you for everything you are and everything you aren't, and if someone can find someone to love them purely, how the hell can anyone judge that and try to belittle their joy?! Just because someone is gay doesn't mean they are going to lube up their dick in stick it in your ass, or pull down your pants and try to rub their taco with your taco and create and 2 taco dinner special. What people do in their bedroom affects them, and not you, if you knew half the weird stuff straight people were into you'd likely be more grossed out by that then you would some same sex play time. That will be all for today my friends. Stay tuned for your typical funny post!