It's not Thanksgiving but I'd like to give thanks...

This isn't going to be my typical blog. But I wanted to take the time to give a shout out to my friends! These ladies are some of the funniest bitches I know. Our love for gangsta rap at a wedding and popping asses and dropping it down low is very entertaining! My fav part of being on the dance floor at a wedding with these crazy ladies is when they look at me and say 'uhhh are you going to blog about this?'. I don't feel comfortable saying people's real names on here, only because I suspect I have some creeps that follow this and I don't need my friends getting scooped up and skinned by some homicidal maniac. But I want to give a shout out to, J-aka hun'reds on yo' tittys bitch. I greatly appreciate you playing gangsta rap at your wedding, especially when a wu-tang song comes on! B, Digz, S...you ladies kill it on the dance floor every time, you ladies make me laugh so hard, love you! To M aka baby momz, in your womb you are growing our lil group peanut! We are all excited to be aunties, and I suspect you will have lots of Wutang onesies for this lil one, I love you like a sister and I'm excited to see you with big ol pregnancy tittays lol. I need to give a shout out to my ladies' boyfriends and husbands, you guys are troopers tagging along with us gals to the dance floor, tearing shit up with us! A big shout out to K, he always tells me he reads this blog, and encourages me to make it more provocative. To A, every time I write a blog post I send it to you to make sure it's funny, you always make me laugh and you have never passed judgement on how messed up my mind is! Thanks for always being supportive and worrying if I got murdered if I don't reply to your text within 5 mins. I appreciate that you would always text me to tell me exactly how long it would take for you to come over to my house so I knew exactly when to put on pants! To Ernie, although you live very far away right now, I know our hearts will always be connected. I know recently we had some disputes about how you don't like chips, and I just can't comprehend that, but then I told you I like Darius Ruckers version of Wagon Wheel better than the original and I think you didn't talk to me for a few hours after that, but we still love each other! You always tell me the honest truth about things, and I love you for that! Thank you to my cousins who encourage me to keep writing these posts, and that offer to let me share some of their funny stories! I love you guys and have turned out to be this way because of our hilarious experiences together! I'd thank my sister, but she refuses to read this blog because she hates blogs, and she told me to write a book instead! But thanks to her anyway for excepting me for who I am! A big shout out to my brother, you were my other half when it comes to personality! You made me laugh harder than I ever have. Every time anything ridiculously funny happens I feel that you are up in heaven making this shit happen to me just so I can laugh a it! You found joy in making people laugh and smile, and I hope to continue on with that for you. The night you died I stayed up all night and watched Kings of Comedy, I knew you'd rather see me laughing than crying! To my Mom, I know you read this blog but never comment on it nor seem to pass judgement! The only thing she has said about it was, "I really didn't think you looked like a lesbian in that leather jacket, Leanne." Thanks for understanding that I'm weird, odd and foul. To my Dad...you better never see this because I demanded you never read it! Lol Thank you to everyone on Facebook who diligently shares my blog to their friends and family! I'm glad I have a hand full or two of people who read this blog and enjoy it! As cheesy as it sounds it makes me really happy when I get messages from you guys saying you we're having a bad day and my blog made you laugh! Thanks for laughing with me, and likely at me once or twice! Love, Leanne

McRevenge

There's only been a few people I have met that I have secretly put them in the 'must seek revenge on this shit head' list. Here is the story of two people on that list. I get in moods sometimes, where I am a raginggggg bitch. And I'm in the wrong for ever going out in public when I'm in that state of mind. But if someone does something tremendously dumb or annoying when I'm in a 'Leanne state of mind' mood they are doomed. So, a while back I was going to Toronto for the day and I was going to take the Greyhound there. I decided to stop by McDonald's for breakfast, to get a beloved BLT bagel. They are fucking delicious. In my mind I thought this BLT bagel would brighten my day, I envisioned, sitting there outside waiting for the bus, birds a chirping, sun a shining, just enjoying life. But nope, the fucktards who work at McDonald's fucked that up. I order my bagel, after like 5 minutes of waiting for the girl working there to even acknowledge me because she was too busy adjusting her hat she has to wear. Bitch, you're wearing a McDonald's uniform, you can only look so cute with that shit. So, finally, she puts the order in, and the greasy,pimply, pre pubescent moustache wearing kid walks from the back of the food prep area to the front where the overhead menu is and stares at the picture of what goes on the BLT bagel. You have to be fucking kidding me right? He legit stared at me for a solid minute. Goes to the back and asks another employee what goes on it. So he attempts to make it, I can see him making it and he is royally fucking it up. But I'm not going to correct him right now, I need to see where this goes, for entertainment purposes. So he finishes making the sandwich, his bimbo partner in crime puts the sandwich in the bag, but the turd in the back didn't wrap it properly so the bagel fell outta the wrap and into the brown paper bag. She pretends she didn't notice and hands me the bag. I stand there, arms crossed, bitch face on, eyebrows raised (perfectly plucked and filled in may I add, they really add to my bitch face) and I ask her to get the guy from the back so I can have a word with them. She stares at me in awe, and I say..go get your friend from the back so we can all have a chat. Soooo, she goes and gets him. And they stand there just marvelling in my ridiculousness, I say to them "okay..now...you both are going to try this again. BLT is a an acronym for what goes on it...bacon...lettuce....and tomato. Not the sausage, cheese, one tomato and a pickle or whatever you decided to put on it. So you will make that properly, and then you (looking at the girl) will package it properly, don't act like you didn't see the sandwich fall outta the wrapper into the bag. Just don't pretend. I saw...I'm not impressed." They both stare for a little too long, and go make me my BLT sandwich. He finally got it right..but really. How the fuck do you not know what goes on a damn BLT? So I finally make it to the Greyhound station and get on the bus, I have an hour bus ride to sit and plan my revenge on these two. This is how the revenge scenario plays out in my mind...these two will fall in love while salting fries at McDonald's, they will get married and in 10 years have a couple of kids. One of those kids will be a boy...and in 18 years he will be out under aged drinking at a pub with his friends, he will meet this smoking hot cougar (that'll be me) he will fall in love with her, despite the age difference. He will take me home to meet the family on Thanksgiving Day. His mom will be appalled by the age difference and that her son is dating an older lady. She will be traumatized by this. Just heart broken. She knows she wont have any grandbabies because my uterus and eggs are just dried up to all hell by now. She will take her anger out on her husband (the fucker who couldn't make a BLT) and their marriage will suffer. And I will turn to them, look them both in the face and say. "You fucked with my BLT bagel, now I'm fucking with your son. McRevenge fuckersssss!"

Let's take a moment to talk about some things....

There are way too many 'fads' out there that I can't really comprehend. Let's start off with twerking. This dance doesn't look sexy, appealing, cool, or interesting at all. To me, this dance move looks exactly how I look at 2 am when I get a crazy bad leg cramp while sleeping and trying to shake it off. Next fad, the belly top, the mid drift show-er, the muffin top exposer, the 'that's not a tattoo, it's just my stretch marks from being pregnant 4 times' fad. Who in their right fucking mind brought this into society? I understand some of these fads and fashion trends are created for the cat walk. And yes, it does look great on some people....but it's never those people that wear this mid drift showing shirt. Now, I think women of all shapes and sizes can be beautiful. That being said, I have a belly, and I know that this fad is not for my body type. I tried doing p90x ab workouts and I just looked like Chris Farley rolling around on the floor, sweating from places I didn't know could sweat. So, I cover up my gut, I'm not ashamed of it, I've invested a lot of time and money into eating Doritos to accomplish this glorious cushion of love. But no fucking way in hell will I wear a top that shows it off. But I've been seeing wayyyyyy too many ladies wearing these belly tops that shouldn't be. I'm very happy that you are confident with yourself. But if you are as beautiful and sexy as you think you are, you will be able to show this off while covered up a little bit more. Maybe it's our fault for calling it the belly top, that's kind of misleading, since you may be like ehhhh I gots me a nice belly, I can wear this shirt! We should've called it the 'only if you have a toned tight stomach shirt and are between the ages of 18 and 23' shirt. Okay, now that I've likely insulted one or two people reading this, let's move on to the last fad. I can not understand why people wear these thick, black framed glasses for fun. There is no prescription, you are wearing them because you think it's cool to wear spectacles. I have worn glasses since 4th grade I think. And it's terrible. What these hipsters who wear fashion glasses do not understand is what it's like to cut a 4 inch long slice out of your leg because you can't wear your glasses in the shower while you shave your legs. Or how when you do your makeup while blind because you can't do your eye makeup and wear glasses at the same time, and then you do your makeup, put on your glasses to find out that your eyebrows are penciled in so thick you look like an angry bird, and that you actually applied mascara to your upper lip and not your lower eyelash. Orr how about when you are trying to get sexy with a guy, and you're making out, things are getting hot and heavy and you get off the bed to take off your shirt, you also remove your glasses, leaving you pretty much legally blind then you go to sexually crawl onto the bed but you miss it by an inch because you cant fucking see anything, and now you are laying on the ground like a moron. Soooo hipsters, you still think it's cool to wear glasses? What's next wearing braces for fashion and not function, every hipster walking around with head gear, skinny jeans, a skateboard they don't know how to use and a band tshirt for a band they don't even know? Fuck right off hipsters, and you too Miley Cyrus for trying to make twerking cool, go on wit yo' pancake ass.

JiffyPop test of endurance

I have a very sure fire way to find out if things will work out with a guy when we first start to date. I like to call it the 'I can't fucking tolerate that...' motto. I have certain quirks about me, one of which being, I can't fucking tolerate the way people eat popcorn. So, on the first date I make sure we go to the movies, and get some popcorn, and if the guy eats it quietly, and properly he stands a chance. But. If the guy eats it like a hungry/horny lesbian eating a 6 pack of hard shell tacos from Taco Bell the date ends right then and there. I can't fucking tolerate someone who can't eat popcorn normally. Now, I have friends who say 'dude, it's not THAT big of a deal if someone can't eat popcorn quietly, that's no need to break up with them.' Excuse me? So when we are cuddling on the couch watching all day marathons of Golden Girls we can't eat popcorn because he chews it like a cow chews its damn cud, and I can't hear what Blanche is saying over his ignorant chewing, should we eat fig newtons instead? NO! I can't budge on that, I want to enjoy popcorn during movies and tv shows. It's a great snack. You can't replace popcorn as a movie snack, but you can replace the guy who you sit and watch movies with. And I've done it, I sat there and stared at a guy who ate his popcorn ignorantly during our first date, he likely thought I was just admiring how fucking adorable he was. But I was truly just waiting to see how long it would take for him to choke and die from hoofing in a popcorn kernel the wrong way. I wouldn't save him, that's his mothers fault for not teaching her kid to eat popcorn like a normal person. She put her son out in society without teaching him the basics. Not my issue. So we never had a 2nd date. And I hate it when bitches complain about shit their men do that drive them bat shit crazy. First thing I ask, 'welppp, did you know about this annoying trait when you first started dating? Yes, yes you did? And this is one of your 'I can't fucking tolerate that...' topics? And you chose to still date him? And now you can't even look at him without wanting to snap his neck and then spit on his corpse?' When this happens, you can't be mad at the guy anymore, you have to be mad at yourself. You made that decision to stay with a guy even though he does the very thing that makes you tick. I feel like I'm doing that guy a favour by cutting it off after the first popcorn eating disaster. I don't want to act like it doesn't bother me, or that he can learn how to eat it properly, and then he doesn't. And then 10 years down the road we will be having family game night, sitting around the table playing Monopoly. And he is chomping away on this delicious fresh popped buttery popcorn, and I fucking snap, and smash his face into the Monopoly board, and the little game pieces are jammed into his face, little hotels piercing through his eyelids, Monopoly money splattered with blood, the cheap silver Scottie Dog token staring at me with a look of fear in his eyes. My two little kids traumatized for life. And what if eating popcorn like that is an inherited trait!? And my kids eat it like that too. and I have to sit around listening to my family sitting around sounding like they are chewing on stones? I would surely have a mental breakdown! All because I didn't leave him after the fist date when I knew he ate popcorn like an ignorant heifer..That would be irresponsible. This is called the JiffyPop test of endurance, it can make or break a relationship.

Mall rats

Yesterday I went to the mall to look for a pair of heels for a few upcoming weddings I am attending. Now, I should have known this was a mistake, I hate the mall, I hate the mall right before school starts and the mall is infested with teenage shit heads. I walk into the mall and I kid you not it smells like teen spirit. There are teenagers every where and at the front entrance of the mall there is a group of 5 teenage boys who all look like Justin Bieber who yell out words like 'penis!'every time anyone walks by them. But I got really confused, I thought they were advertising a sale of penises. And I got really excited, thinking maybe the mall isn't so bad after all, I can just come here and buy a box of penises. But these kids were just liars and were not selling penises. As I look for some shoe stores I notice there are about a million teenage girls who all look identical. Every single one of them were wearing weeeee little jean cut off shorts and belly tops. This is how I know I am old, when I notice this trend and I'm appalled by it. I sound like an old lady when I just want to hiss at them 'where are your mothers!?" I sadly walk on by tender tootsies and just want to go in there and buy myself a nice pair of loafers to wear, I need comfort now not style. But I head on over to some fashionable shoe store and stare at my options of 7 inch hooker heels. When I finally find a pair I like, I quietly whisper to the store clerk "ummm, do you...umm, have these shoes in a uhhhhh ummmm, ahem....size 10?" Bitch responds "ohhhh Hun, I don't know if we have them in a size THAT big!" She pretends to go check but really just stands behind the counter texting her boyfriend talking about anal. I'm just guessing that part, but I'm pretty confident my guess is a reality. I don't even know this girl but I just hate her and her life for judging me and my big feet. Do you know what they say about girls with big feet? We like guys with big feet because they have big penises. Anywhoooo, I go to like 4 other shoe stores and face the judgemental stares of these whores who work there. One girl tried to be helpful and got me a few pairs of shoes that were size 10s all of which were flip flops or looked like crocs. Sooo, fuck this noise, fuck all you shoe stores for giving me a complex. I do what any normal female would do and go to the food court, because when clothes or shoes don't fit, food court Chinese food will always comfort me. I go to ManchuWok, I get me some noodles and veggies and a coke, and sit down to enjoy this meal. As I'm digging my way thru the noodles, I can feel someone staring at me. I look up and there is this teenage girl sitting alone just staring directly at me. I ignore it and continue to eat. Every time I look up, this girl is looking at me, I get uncomfortable because I likely look like a fool trying to eat my noodles. I instantly start to worry if I have something on my face, did I accidentally wipe off my eyebrow at some point in the day? Whyyyyy is she looking at me so intently, I don't even think she has blinked yet. I start to get enraged. I want to go confront her, but I give her a friendly wave instead. Maybe she knows me? Bitch doesn't even bat an eye when I wave! Now I'm riiiiight pissed off. I sit there just staring back now. 5 mins go by, she reaches in her purse to get something, all while still looking at me. I get kinda worried, what if she pulls out a gat and shoots the shit out of me? Nope, guess what she pulls out....a walking stick....you know the red and white ones THAT BLIND PEOPLE use?!? I was in a staring contest with a blind teenager, and she without a doubt won. Now I sit there, with cold Chinese food, feeling like a fucking prick. I felt like the biggest asshole ever, the only asshole that will be bigger then how I felt in that moment, is the actual asshole of that judgemental shoe store clerk after her boyfriend was done with her last night. I fucking hate the mall.

Prissy white bitches are the reason I stay home on Saturday nights.

There are two things I am sure of one being that I'm an asshole, there is no need to question that. And the other is that National Geographic needs to do a documentary of drunk white girls at the club.We went out last night to celebrate my friend's bachelorette party...at this point I would like to inform you that my iPad changes the word 'bachelorette' to 'nacho florets' which on it's own is epic. So I meet the crew at the bar, and I am dead sober. Biggest mistake EVER. There are way too many foolish drunk white people at this place for my mind to process. Yes, I am in fact white too, but there are a certain group of white people at this place. For example, the white girl dancing and trying her darnedest to recite the words to Nelly's 'Country Grammar'. I figure her up tight parents deprived her of listening to 'coloured people' music when she was in high school. So here she is, trying to lip sync the words but she has no fucking clue what the fuck is going on. But then something amazing happens right before my eyes, the Nelly song drops off and all of a sudden the twang of Miley Cyrus's voice penetrates this white girls ears and she fucking drops it like its hottttt. You could see the look of relief on her face, like thank the lorddddd, I know the words to this song! I've come to the conclusion white chicks love the song 'Shoop'. Myself included. When that beat drops it is nearly impossible to not start my flow off "here I go, here I go, here I go again...girls what's my weakness...MEN!" But when this jam starts to play, us pasty bitches just flock to the dance floor to show how cultured we are and to bust out our rap verses. 

I have found a new pet peeve while out last night...I'm not really sure why it bugs me, but it does. I saw way too many bitches walking around drinking wine. You're at a bar. Your wine comes from a box. And you are walking around like some uppity twat holding your glass of wine with your pinky finger in the air. Do you think this makes you look sophisticated? Like you will attract the attention of a millionaire? He will think to him self "oh wow, look at that intelligent woman with a blossoming personality drinking that very earthy wine. I may just gallivant on over to her and talk about the wine, discuss the levels of acidity and inquire whether or not it would pair well with Brie cheese. Then I will take her home to my loft apartment and have missionary intercourse with her, and afterwards we will snuggle and I will caress her silky blond hair, and in the morning I will wake up early and make her a quiche for brunch and I will accompany that quiche with a glorious mixed green salad. Then I will marry her, and we will have 2 kids together. All because she drinks wine at a bar  
and that is ever so appealing". BITCH that shit will never happen, drink a fucking beer like everyone else at the bar. God fucking damnit. 

I should not be allowed out in public. 

BlogThis! Thursday, August 15, 2013 I'm in an abusive relationship....with my uterus. My uterus is angry today. She didn't even want me to write in the blog today, I had to bribe her with a white chocolate Kit Kat for her to be distracted long enough for me to write this. Why hasn't anyone invented chocolate covered Midol yet? When my uterus is mad like this I envision her as an angry Spanish woman, I don't know why but thats how her personality is. I just picture my uterus saying in her spicy Spanish accent, "ohhhh I see, me and your auntie Ovary make you nice eggs and you no want? Ohhhh I see señorita, you're too important to fertilize this egg we give to you, as a gift?! Ahhhh I see chola, you're better than everyone else? Que no me amas?" I try to make her happy, I give her chocolate, and anything she needs to get her thru this tough time. But she is still a raging bitch. She also faxes over memos to my other body parts and says shit like; "okay team, it's that time of month again, you remember your duties? Head, remember to produce blinding headaches so Leanne can't think properly and in turn she will say stupider shit than she normally does and people will just think she is suffering small strokes. Boobs, plump up real nice okay? So big that she can only wear a ratty old sports bra. Face, you have a very important role in ruining Leanne's life...start placing those pimples all over her face. But make sure they never turn into white heads and Leanne can't pop them, but we all know she will try anyway and then have massive dry scabs for at least a week. Last but not least, Vagina....now you're going to feel left out here, but you play an important role....you're going to feel the dire need to befriend a penis, but you can't, because you will be all bunged up with a tampon, so hang tight for the week. Okay team, get out there and really fuck up Leanne's life. Sincerely, your co-conspirator, Uterus"   The chocolate is wearing off...I have to go before she gets angrier. She scares me. (To any creative minds out there who noticed her fax message wasn't representing her Spanish heritage...this is intentional. She was writing a formal business memo. Just because she is Spanish doesn't mean she has to speak ghetto Spanish all the time. Don't be such a stereotypical jerk) Subscribe to: Posts (Atom) Blog Archive ►  2013 (36) ►  August (16) ►  Aug 08 (3) ►  Aug 09 (1) ►  Aug 10 (1) ►  Aug 11 (2) ►  Aug 12 (1) ►  Aug 13 (1) ►  Aug 14 (1) ►  Aug 15 (1) ►  Aug 18 (1) ►  Aug 20 (1) ►  Aug 25 (1) ►  Aug 27 (1) ►  Aug 31 (1) ►  September (6) ►  Sep 02 (1) ►  Sep 05 (1) ►  Sep 06 (1) ►  Sep 14 (1) ►  Sep 16 (1) ►  Sep 18 (1) ►  October (10) ►  Oct 19 (1) ►  Oct 22 (1) ►  Oct 25 (1) ►  Oct 26 (1) ►  Oct 27 (2) ►  Oct 28 (1) ►  Oct 29 (2) ►  Oct 30 (1) ►  November (4) ►  Nov 02 (1) ►  Nov 06 (1) ►  Nov 08 (1) ►  Nov 14 (1) ►  2014 (8) ►  January (5) ►  Jan 02 (1) ►  Jan 04 (1) ►  Jan 12 (1) ►  Jan 20 (1) ►  Jan 21 (1) ►  February (1) ►  Feb 14 (1) ►  March (2) ►  Mar 20 (1) ►  Mar 26 (1) ▼  2015 (1) ▼  February (1) ▼  Feb 14 (1) 50 Shades of Shut the fuck up Total Pageviews Popular Posts Prissy white bitches are the reason I stay home on Saturday nights. There are two things I am sure of one being that I'm an asshole, there is no need to question that. And the other is that National Geog... This PSA is brought to you by.... I had a few ideas for my next blog entry until I saw a few things today that set me riiiiight off and I had to interrupt my thought process ... Thank you for shopping at Walmart..... Did you know at Walmart they sell opinions? Yea, I didn't know that either until I went there tonight to buy some stuff and got the opin... The day we were no longer virgins...she said VS. He said This is going to come as a surprise to some of you, but I am not a virgin. I know right? I just blew your minds.I thought it would be intere... 3 inches of vengeance There are 3 things that are all 3 inches long that have come WAY to close too my body and they have all traumatized me. 1) small Asian penis... Da Baby Boom of 2014! It seems like this long, cold winter has caused quite the baby boom, it seems as though everyone has had a baby or is pregnant. I guess that... Autocorrect,you cock blocking son of a bitch. As if being single isn't hard enough, us single people have to contend with many variables that keep us single. Such as, the friend in t... I'm in an abusive relationship....with my uterus. My uterus is angry today. She didn't even want me to write in the blog today, I had to bribe her with a white chocolate Kit Kat for her ... Wax on, wax off. One of the many trials and tribulations of being a woman is that we need to make the decision on how our vagina looks. Do we want it to be n... A Mother's love My mom is a kind hearted person, very loving, understanding and has sure put up with a lot of my antics over the years. Although she is a lo... Followers Powered by Blogger.