JiffyPop test of endurance

I have a very sure fire way to find out if things will work out with a guy when we first start to date. I like to call it the 'I can't fucking tolerate that...' motto. I have certain quirks about me, one of which being, I can't fucking tolerate the way people eat popcorn. So, on the first date I make sure we go to the movies, and get some popcorn, and if the guy eats it quietly, and properly he stands a chance. But. If the guy eats it like a hungry/horny lesbian eating a 6 pack of hard shell tacos from Taco Bell the date ends right then and there. I can't fucking tolerate someone who can't eat popcorn normally. Now, I have friends who say 'dude, it's not THAT big of a deal if someone can't eat popcorn quietly, that's no need to break up with them.' Excuse me? So when we are cuddling on the couch watching all day marathons of Golden Girls we can't eat popcorn because he chews it like a cow chews its damn cud, and I can't hear what Blanche is saying over his ignorant chewing, should we eat fig newtons instead? NO! I can't budge on that, I want to enjoy popcorn during movies and tv shows. It's a great snack. You can't replace popcorn as a movie snack, but you can replace the guy who you sit and watch movies with. And I've done it, I sat there and stared at a guy who ate his popcorn ignorantly during our first date, he likely thought I was just admiring how fucking adorable he was. But I was truly just waiting to see how long it would take for him to choke and die from hoofing in a popcorn kernel the wrong way. I wouldn't save him, that's his mothers fault for not teaching her kid to eat popcorn like a normal person. She put her son out in society without teaching him the basics. Not my issue. So we never had a 2nd date. And I hate it when bitches complain about shit their men do that drive them bat shit crazy. First thing I ask, 'welppp, did you know about this annoying trait when you first started dating? Yes, yes you did? And this is one of your 'I can't fucking tolerate that...' topics? And you chose to still date him? And now you can't even look at him without wanting to snap his neck and then spit on his corpse?' When this happens, you can't be mad at the guy anymore, you have to be mad at yourself. You made that decision to stay with a guy even though he does the very thing that makes you tick. I feel like I'm doing that guy a favour by cutting it off after the first popcorn eating disaster. I don't want to act like it doesn't bother me, or that he can learn how to eat it properly, and then he doesn't. And then 10 years down the road we will be having family game night, sitting around the table playing Monopoly. And he is chomping away on this delicious fresh popped buttery popcorn, and I fucking snap, and smash his face into the Monopoly board, and the little game pieces are jammed into his face, little hotels piercing through his eyelids, Monopoly money splattered with blood, the cheap silver Scottie Dog token staring at me with a look of fear in his eyes. My two little kids traumatized for life. And what if eating popcorn like that is an inherited trait!? And my kids eat it like that too. and I have to sit around listening to my family sitting around sounding like they are chewing on stones? I would surely have a mental breakdown! All because I didn't leave him after the fist date when I knew he ate popcorn like an ignorant heifer..That would be irresponsible. This is called the JiffyPop test of endurance, it can make or break a relationship.

Mall rats

Yesterday I went to the mall to look for a pair of heels for a few upcoming weddings I am attending. Now, I should have known this was a mistake, I hate the mall, I hate the mall right before school starts and the mall is infested with teenage shit heads. I walk into the mall and I kid you not it smells like teen spirit. There are teenagers every where and at the front entrance of the mall there is a group of 5 teenage boys who all look like Justin Bieber who yell out words like 'penis!'every time anyone walks by them. But I got really confused, I thought they were advertising a sale of penises. And I got really excited, thinking maybe the mall isn't so bad after all, I can just come here and buy a box of penises. But these kids were just liars and were not selling penises. As I look for some shoe stores I notice there are about a million teenage girls who all look identical. Every single one of them were wearing weeeee little jean cut off shorts and belly tops. This is how I know I am old, when I notice this trend and I'm appalled by it. I sound like an old lady when I just want to hiss at them 'where are your mothers!?" I sadly walk on by tender tootsies and just want to go in there and buy myself a nice pair of loafers to wear, I need comfort now not style. But I head on over to some fashionable shoe store and stare at my options of 7 inch hooker heels. When I finally find a pair I like, I quietly whisper to the store clerk "ummm, do you...umm, have these shoes in a uhhhhh ummmm, ahem....size 10?" Bitch responds "ohhhh Hun, I don't know if we have them in a size THAT big!" She pretends to go check but really just stands behind the counter texting her boyfriend talking about anal. I'm just guessing that part, but I'm pretty confident my guess is a reality. I don't even know this girl but I just hate her and her life for judging me and my big feet. Do you know what they say about girls with big feet? We like guys with big feet because they have big penises. Anywhoooo, I go to like 4 other shoe stores and face the judgemental stares of these whores who work there. One girl tried to be helpful and got me a few pairs of shoes that were size 10s all of which were flip flops or looked like crocs. Sooo, fuck this noise, fuck all you shoe stores for giving me a complex. I do what any normal female would do and go to the food court, because when clothes or shoes don't fit, food court Chinese food will always comfort me. I go to ManchuWok, I get me some noodles and veggies and a coke, and sit down to enjoy this meal. As I'm digging my way thru the noodles, I can feel someone staring at me. I look up and there is this teenage girl sitting alone just staring directly at me. I ignore it and continue to eat. Every time I look up, this girl is looking at me, I get uncomfortable because I likely look like a fool trying to eat my noodles. I instantly start to worry if I have something on my face, did I accidentally wipe off my eyebrow at some point in the day? Whyyyyy is she looking at me so intently, I don't even think she has blinked yet. I start to get enraged. I want to go confront her, but I give her a friendly wave instead. Maybe she knows me? Bitch doesn't even bat an eye when I wave! Now I'm riiiiight pissed off. I sit there just staring back now. 5 mins go by, she reaches in her purse to get something, all while still looking at me. I get kinda worried, what if she pulls out a gat and shoots the shit out of me? Nope, guess what she pulls out....a walking stick....you know the red and white ones THAT BLIND PEOPLE use?!? I was in a staring contest with a blind teenager, and she without a doubt won. Now I sit there, with cold Chinese food, feeling like a fucking prick. I felt like the biggest asshole ever, the only asshole that will be bigger then how I felt in that moment, is the actual asshole of that judgemental shoe store clerk after her boyfriend was done with her last night. I fucking hate the mall.

Prissy white bitches are the reason I stay home on Saturday nights.

There are two things I am sure of one being that I'm an asshole, there is no need to question that. And the other is that National Geographic needs to do a documentary of drunk white girls at the club.We went out last night to celebrate my friend's bachelorette party...at this point I would like to inform you that my iPad changes the word 'bachelorette' to 'nacho florets' which on it's own is epic. So I meet the crew at the bar, and I am dead sober. Biggest mistake EVER. There are way too many foolish drunk white people at this place for my mind to process. Yes, I am in fact white too, but there are a certain group of white people at this place. For example, the white girl dancing and trying her darnedest to recite the words to Nelly's 'Country Grammar'. I figure her up tight parents deprived her of listening to 'coloured people' music when she was in high school. So here she is, trying to lip sync the words but she has no fucking clue what the fuck is going on. But then something amazing happens right before my eyes, the Nelly song drops off and all of a sudden the twang of Miley Cyrus's voice penetrates this white girls ears and she fucking drops it like its hottttt. You could see the look of relief on her face, like thank the lorddddd, I know the words to this song! I've come to the conclusion white chicks love the song 'Shoop'. Myself included. When that beat drops it is nearly impossible to not start my flow off "here I go, here I go, here I go again...girls what's my weakness...MEN!" But when this jam starts to play, us pasty bitches just flock to the dance floor to show how cultured we are and to bust out our rap verses. 

I have found a new pet peeve while out last night...I'm not really sure why it bugs me, but it does. I saw way too many bitches walking around drinking wine. You're at a bar. Your wine comes from a box. And you are walking around like some uppity twat holding your glass of wine with your pinky finger in the air. Do you think this makes you look sophisticated? Like you will attract the attention of a millionaire? He will think to him self "oh wow, look at that intelligent woman with a blossoming personality drinking that very earthy wine. I may just gallivant on over to her and talk about the wine, discuss the levels of acidity and inquire whether or not it would pair well with Brie cheese. Then I will take her home to my loft apartment and have missionary intercourse with her, and afterwards we will snuggle and I will caress her silky blond hair, and in the morning I will wake up early and make her a quiche for brunch and I will accompany that quiche with a glorious mixed green salad. Then I will marry her, and we will have 2 kids together. All because she drinks wine at a bar  
and that is ever so appealing". BITCH that shit will never happen, drink a fucking beer like everyone else at the bar. God fucking damnit. 

I should not be allowed out in public. 

BlogThis! Thursday, August 15, 2013 I'm in an abusive relationship....with my uterus. My uterus is angry today. She didn't even want me to write in the blog today, I had to bribe her with a white chocolate Kit Kat for her to be distracted long enough for me to write this. Why hasn't anyone invented chocolate covered Midol yet? When my uterus is mad like this I envision her as an angry Spanish woman, I don't know why but thats how her personality is. I just picture my uterus saying in her spicy Spanish accent, "ohhhh I see, me and your auntie Ovary make you nice eggs and you no want? Ohhhh I see señorita, you're too important to fertilize this egg we give to you, as a gift?! Ahhhh I see chola, you're better than everyone else? Que no me amas?" I try to make her happy, I give her chocolate, and anything she needs to get her thru this tough time. But she is still a raging bitch. She also faxes over memos to my other body parts and says shit like; "okay team, it's that time of month again, you remember your duties? Head, remember to produce blinding headaches so Leanne can't think properly and in turn she will say stupider shit than she normally does and people will just think she is suffering small strokes. Boobs, plump up real nice okay? So big that she can only wear a ratty old sports bra. Face, you have a very important role in ruining Leanne's life...start placing those pimples all over her face. But make sure they never turn into white heads and Leanne can't pop them, but we all know she will try anyway and then have massive dry scabs for at least a week. Last but not least, Vagina....now you're going to feel left out here, but you play an important role....you're going to feel the dire need to befriend a penis, but you can't, because you will be all bunged up with a tampon, so hang tight for the week. Okay team, get out there and really fuck up Leanne's life. Sincerely, your co-conspirator, Uterus"   The chocolate is wearing off...I have to go before she gets angrier. She scares me. (To any creative minds out there who noticed her fax message wasn't representing her Spanish heritage...this is intentional. She was writing a formal business memo. Just because she is Spanish doesn't mean she has to speak ghetto Spanish all the time. Don't be such a stereotypical jerk) Wednesday, August 14, 2013 A Mother's love My mom is a kind hearted person, very loving, understanding and has sure put up with a lot of my antics over the years. Although she is a lovely person that kinda shit doesn't get ratings with my fan base, so here is a story about the one and only time my Mother has lied to me. Years ago my Mom, sister and I went to the US to go on a girl's shopping trip. We ended up at Burlington Coat Factory and I came across this wicked awesome "leather" bomber jacket. I turned to my Ma and said "Be completely honest, does this jacket make me look like a butchy lesbian?" My mom looked me dead in the eyes and said "No, it looks great!" I was thinking to myself, hellll yes I look like a bad ass chick with my new digs. On the Monday morning I get dressed, and decided it was slightly nippy out so I would wear my new fierce jacket, show the world how fashion forward I am. I get my stuff for school and head to the subway station. As I am waiting on the platform for the train a lady wearing a ripped up jean jacket, combat boots, a nose ring on both sides of her nostrils and a bleached blond pixie cut approaches me and asks me for my number. Right then and there I realized my sweet,innocent Mother lied to me. She sent me out in this scary world to get bum rushed by lesbians. She will never admit that she did this on purpose. But I know she did it to get back at me for the shit I pulled in my teenage years! So, here I stand face to face with this woman, who wants to enjoy the all you can eat Taco Monday special. I politely tell her I am flattered but I am in fact straight....despite what my butchy leather jacket insinuates....she stared me down, eye fucked the shit outta me for about 42.7 seconds and went on her way. A week later, I wore the jacket again because it was cold out and I didn't have too many other options. Guess who hits on me at Starbucks? A lady! There is nothing wrong with being gay, or lesbian. It is a lovely thing, but for me I know that 100% I am a straight female. If I still am attracted to men after seeing a 3 inch penis, then I know I am a die hard wiener fan. And it is a factoid that pink does not look good on me, this is including and not limited to a pink vagina being on me. I also know that this jacket is without a doubt a pussy magnet and that my Mother did in fact lie to me. Tuesday, August 13, 2013 ..and this lil piggy went wee wee wee allll the way home! If you are my Mother or Father...look away...do NOT proceed with this tidbit......I am way too old to get grounded......I'm sorry..I know...I can feel you just dying of embarrassment Mom...I get it...please don't yell...I love you. Everyone else...enjoy :)  I have come to the conclusion that I hit my "peak" far too early in life when it comes to men. When I was in my teenage years I had so much penis thrown at me I didn't know what to do with it...literally...I had no idea what to do with it. Now, the only time a penis has been thrown in my direction lately was when my ex boyfriend got out of the shower and came at me with his flaccid penis yelling "look at the lil piggy". Mind you it did look like a lil pig's nose indeed, I give him extra points for the creativity. But sweet Jesus, really?! I don't really even know where this blog post is going, so I'm just going to leave you with the image of a flaccid penis engraved in your mind. You're welcome. Monday, August 12, 2013 This PSA is brought to you by.... I had a few ideas for my next blog entry until I saw a few things today that set me riiiiight off and I had to interrupt my thought process because people are fucking idiots. This one is for a specific group of ladies. I'm going to call them the "no flush crew". These disgusting twats insist on not flushing the toilets in public washrooms. I have seen WAY too much human excrement to last me a life time of disgust. Every time I went to the washroom at work today I saw the taggings of the "no flush crew" I've narrowed it down to two motives of why these heffers do such a thing. First off we have the sows  who leave bloody tampons in the toilet. My guess is they are so fucking excited that they got their periods after that pregnancy scare after her one night stand with Pablo in the Taco Bell employee washroom, that she decides to leave the evidence of her menstrual cycle in the toilet for all to see! Bitch....high five your self that you dodged the pregnancy bullet once again this month. Pat your self on the back that the pull out method didn't fail you, dont leave that filth in the toilet for the next poor soul to see. Secondly, the "ladies" who like to leave the turd floaters behind. I'm guessing this is a pride thing. You are so proud of your super duper log that you just have to share it with your co-workers. Did you think we would marvel in this? That we would consider you a goddess that your anus can stretch to an ungodly size to get that thing out of your body? You were wrong...no one wants to see that shit..literally. If you are so proud of it, own up to it, take a picture and put that on Instagram, throw a filter on that, put a frame around it, maybe throw some text on er. You bitches that do this kinda stuff are just wrong, dead wrong. Stop it. Stop making me interrupt my daily blog programming to give you this public service announcement. Ya dig?! Subscribe to: Posts (Atom) Blog Archive ►  2013 (36) ►  August (16) ►  Aug 08 (3) ►  Aug 09 (1) ►  Aug 10 (1) ►  Aug 11 (2) ►  Aug 12 (1) ►  Aug 13 (1) ►  Aug 14 (1) ►  Aug 15 (1) ►  Aug 18 (1) ►  Aug 20 (1) ►  Aug 25 (1) ►  Aug 27 (1) ►  Aug 31 (1) ►  September (6) ►  Sep 02 (1) ►  Sep 05 (1) ►  Sep 06 (1) ►  Sep 14 (1) ►  Sep 16 (1) ►  Sep 18 (1) ►  October (10) ►  Oct 19 (1) ►  Oct 22 (1) ►  Oct 25 (1) ►  Oct 26 (1) ►  Oct 27 (2) ►  Oct 28 (1) ►  Oct 29 (2) ►  Oct 30 (1) ►  November (4) ►  Nov 02 (1) ►  Nov 06 (1) ►  Nov 08 (1) ►  Nov 14 (1) ►  2014 (8) ►  January (5) ►  Jan 02 (1) ►  Jan 04 (1) ►  Jan 12 (1) ►  Jan 20 (1) ►  Jan 21 (1) ►  February (1) ►  Feb 14 (1) ►  March (2) ►  Mar 20 (1) ►  Mar 26 (1) ▼  2015 (1) ▼  February (1) ▼  Feb 14 (1) 50 Shades of Shut the fuck up Total Pageviews Popular Posts Prissy white bitches are the reason I stay home on Saturday nights. There are two things I am sure of one being that I'm an asshole, there is no need to question that. And the other is that National Geog... This PSA is brought to you by.... I had a few ideas for my next blog entry until I saw a few things today that set me riiiiight off and I had to interrupt my thought process ... Thank you for shopping at Walmart..... Did you know at Walmart they sell opinions? Yea, I didn't know that either until I went there tonight to buy some stuff and got the opin... The day we were no longer virgins...she said VS. He said This is going to come as a surprise to some of you, but I am not a virgin. I know right? I just blew your minds.I thought it would be intere... 3 inches of vengeance There are 3 things that are all 3 inches long that have come WAY to close too my body and they have all traumatized me. 1) small Asian penis... Da Baby Boom of 2014! It seems like this long, cold winter has caused quite the baby boom, it seems as though everyone has had a baby or is pregnant. I guess that... Autocorrect,you cock blocking son of a bitch. As if being single isn't hard enough, us single people have to contend with many variables that keep us single. Such as, the friend in t... I'm in an abusive relationship....with my uterus. My uterus is angry today. She didn't even want me to write in the blog today, I had to bribe her with a white chocolate Kit Kat for her ... Wax on, wax off. One of the many trials and tribulations of being a woman is that we need to make the decision on how our vagina looks. Do we want it to be n... A Mother's love My mom is a kind hearted person, very loving, understanding and has sure put up with a lot of my antics over the years. Although she is a lo... Followers Powered by Blogger.