I'm in an abusive relationship....with my uterus.

My uterus is angry today. She didn't even want me to write in the blog today, I had to bribe her with a white chocolate Kit Kat for her to be distracted long enough for me to write this. Why hasn't anyone invented chocolate covered Midol yet? When my uterus is mad like this I envision her as an angry Spanish woman, I don't know why but thats how her personality is. I just picture my uterus saying in her spicy Spanish accent, "ohhhh I see, me and your auntie Ovary make you nice eggs and you no want? Ohhhh I see señorita, you're too important to fertilize this egg we give to you, as a gift?! Ahhhh I see chola, you're better than everyone else? Que no me amas?" I try to make her happy, I give her chocolate, and anything she needs to get her thru this tough time. But she is still a raging bitch. She also faxes over memos to my other body parts and says shit like; "okay team, it's that time of month again, you remember your duties? Head, remember to produce blinding headaches so Leanne can't think properly and in turn she will say stupider shit than she normally does and people will just think she is suffering small strokes. Boobs, plump up real nice okay? So big that she can only wear a ratty old sports bra. Face, you have a very important role in ruining Leanne's life...start placing those pimples all over her face. But make sure they never turn into white heads and Leanne can't pop them, but we all know she will try anyway and then have massive dry scabs for at least a week. Last but not least, Vagina....now you're going to feel left out here, but you play an important role....you're going to feel the dire need to befriend a penis, but you can't, because you will be all bunged up with a tampon, so hang tight for the week. Okay team, get out there and really fuck up Leanne's life. Sincerely, your co-conspirator, Uterus" 

 The chocolate is wearing off...I have to go before she gets angrier. She scares me.

(To any creative minds out there who noticed her fax message wasn't representing her Spanish heritage...this is intentional. She was writing a formal business memo. Just because she is Spanish doesn't mean she has to speak ghetto Spanish all the time. Don't be such a stereotypical jerk)