3 inches of vengeance

There are 3 things that are all 3 inches long that have come WAY to close too my body and they have all traumatized me. 1) small Asian penis 2) the claws of a peacock (I got attacked by one years ago and I have a scar to prove it and 3) a centipede. I'm going to tell you about number 3...

Let me set the mood here for you....it was a lonely Saturday evening, I decided to have a glorious bubble bath. Lit some candles, got out my iPad, loaded up Songza, chose a play list, likely something called '26 and single on a Saturday night...' I let the bath run, poured in some vanilla liquid soap, which was from the dollar store...I spare no expense when it comes to alone time....I slowly sink into the warm water. I lather up my right arm pit, and start to shave the grasslands that have formed...when all of a sudden a centipede fucking slithers out of the overflow drain....slitherssssss I say! My exact words as I vaulted out of the bath tub were 'holy sweet mother of fucking Christ....' I have never moved so quickly, my cardio for the week was complete after that mad dash out of the tub. As I stand there naked, I get my iPad and Google 'can centipedes swim?' The answer was no, so I decided to let that fucker drown, keep him in the tub for a few days as a warning to any other critters that wanna try to watch me bathe. Needless to say, this traumatized me, I refused to have a bath or shower for much longer than I care to admit, I walked around with one half shaved armpit for a week at least.  I will never be the same, having a 3 inch centipede that close to my vagina has traumatized me, much like the Asian penis did....

Everyone poops....

It's pretty apparent that I am single. It will be very apparent why I am single after this post. I would like to offer a public service announcement to people starting a relationship or in a new relationship, hell maybe it even applies to people who are in non-open minded relationships. Ok, here it goes. I'm going to talk about poop. I understand people don't really think poop and relationship talks go together. But hear me out. Okay guys, you know how women always order a light salad on your first dates? Well it's not because they are concerned about their waist lines, it's because they don't want to take the chance of ordering a creamy, cheese covered pasta entree and have to shit instantly on your first date. Years ago I was dating my first love, we spent every moment we possibly could together. But if we were together for 24 hours a day, how could I find time to drop a deuce without ruining the chance of him ever getting an erection around me again?! So I would pretend to have a shower but I would just take a quick poop then just wet my hair so it looked like I took a shower. There would be days I would have to poop sooooo badly I would have the sweats going on, I felt like I may throw up. And all he wanted to do was cuddle and I just wanted to cry from the gas bubbles polluting my insides. So finally, I couldn't take it, it was go time. I looked him right in his big brown eyes and said 'Baby, you love me unconditionally right?" Of course he responded with a yes, but he look scared and worried and asked 'Is everything okay? Did you...did you cheat on me or something?' At this point I was even paler than I normally am, ready to puke and poop all at the same time from the pressure happening in my body. I very slowly said "No...babe...I didn't cheat...but...buttt...well you know....I...umm...I have to poop...I poop, I don't know if you know that girls poop...but I need to...and I feel like I may die right now....so...." He looked at me like I was a fucking moron, he literally patted my head and said "You're so special, go poop babe.' I skipped to the bathroom and as I pooped I felt such a relief, not just in my bowels, but in my relationship...I could be comfortable around him and not have to worry about that part of life. Now, in the first couple weeks of relationships I give the guy the "Everyone Poops" book that parents read to their kids about pooping and potty training. And I have the talk with them, girls poop, so deal with it. So yea...I'm still single.....