JiffyPop test of endurance

I have a very sure fire way to find out if things will work out with a guy when we first start to date. I like to call it the 'I can't fucking tolerate that...' motto. I have certain quirks about me, one of which being, I can't fucking tolerate the way people eat popcorn. So, on the first date I make sure we go to the movies, and get some popcorn, and if the guy eats it quietly, and properly he stands a chance. But. If the guy eats it like a hungry/horny lesbian eating a 6 pack of hard shell tacos from Taco Bell the date ends right then and there. I can't fucking tolerate someone who can't eat popcorn normally. Now, I have friends who say 'dude, it's not THAT big of a deal if someone can't eat popcorn quietly, that's no need to break up with them.' Excuse me? So when we are cuddling on the couch watching all day marathons of Golden Girls we can't eat popcorn because he chews it like a cow chews its damn cud, and I can't hear what Blanche is saying over his ignorant chewing, should we eat fig newtons instead? NO! I can't budge on that, I want to enjoy popcorn during movies and tv shows. It's a great snack. You can't replace popcorn as a movie snack, but you can replace the guy who you sit and watch movies with. And I've done it, I sat there and stared at a guy who ate his popcorn ignorantly during our first date, he likely thought I was just admiring how fucking adorable he was. But I was truly just waiting to see how long it would take for him to choke and die from hoofing in a popcorn kernel the wrong way. I wouldn't save him, that's his mothers fault for not teaching her kid to eat popcorn like a normal person. She put her son out in society without teaching him the basics. Not my issue. So we never had a 2nd date. And I hate it when bitches complain about shit their men do that drive them bat shit crazy. First thing I ask, 'welppp, did you know about this annoying trait when you first started dating? Yes, yes you did? And this is one of your 'I can't fucking tolerate that...' topics? And you chose to still date him? And now you can't even look at him without wanting to snap his neck and then spit on his corpse?' When this happens, you can't be mad at the guy anymore, you have to be mad at yourself. You made that decision to stay with a guy even though he does the very thing that makes you tick. I feel like I'm doing that guy a favour by cutting it off after the first popcorn eating disaster. I don't want to act like it doesn't bother me, or that he can learn how to eat it properly, and then he doesn't. And then 10 years down the road we will be having family game night, sitting around the table playing Monopoly. And he is chomping away on this delicious fresh popped buttery popcorn, and I fucking snap, and smash his face into the Monopoly board, and the little game pieces are jammed into his face, little hotels piercing through his eyelids, Monopoly money splattered with blood, the cheap silver Scottie Dog token staring at me with a look of fear in his eyes. My two little kids traumatized for life. And what if eating popcorn like that is an inherited trait!? And my kids eat it like that too. and I have to sit around listening to my family sitting around sounding like they are chewing on stones? I would surely have a mental breakdown! All because I didn't leave him after the fist date when I knew he ate popcorn like an ignorant heifer..That would be irresponsible. This is called the JiffyPop test of endurance, it can make or break a relationship.