VLOG time

http://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=youtu.be&v=0T92RpfUZIU&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D0T92RpfUZIU%26feature%3Dyoutu.be

Lee's Lessons of Love Volume 2

I was asked if I could write a post about one solid piece of advice for people in relationships. I'm not sure why, seeing as I'm single as fackkkkk. But I guess I can spit some knowledge at you regardless. I'm going to start off by saying some simple things that will benefit your relationship. Ladies; always...and I mean always wash your hands after cutting up jalapeños, do not give your man a hand job after cutting up those spicy lil fuckers, he will greatly appreciate that, no one wants a burning penis. Also ladies, shave your legs above and beyond the knees sometimes, men like that. I recently described my legs as a 'mullet' to a friend, it's like smooth and then hairy, business then partyyyyyy starting from the ankles up. Men, your advice is simple, stop being fucking morons. Nah, I'm just kidding, send your girl some flowers to work...no don't bring them home and give them to her...bitches love to show off in front of other bitches, we want everyyyy other woman around us to know how great our man is. We are catty bitches, it's messed up, we know. But on to some real advice. This applies mostly to the ladies. When your man fucks up you usually send him to the couch to sleep. Don't do this. Remember when you were little and would get grounded and sent to your room, you'd be like hellllll yessss, I can sit in my room, away from my annoying siblings and play GameBoy alllll day and night. It's the exactttt same when you tell your significant other to sleep on the couch. It's not a punishment, the guy gets to watch sports all night, maybe rent a Debbie Does Dallas adult video, eat snacks, fart all over the place and live the good life. I speak from experience. Many years ago I lived with a boyfriend. I spent hours cooking an amazing meal, consisting of ribs, double baked stuffed potatoes, sautéed garlic green beans and...AND homemade funnel cake...his fav....and this chump came home from work like 3 hours late. I was livid. Instead of getting mad and telling him to sleep on the couch, I thought..I'm going to ruin his night...soooo what did I do. I turned up the heat in the apartment, pulled out 3 extra blankets out of the closet, put on super warm fuzzy clothing, and asked him if we could cuddle in bed. I wanted to make this so uncomfortable for him, it'd be uncomfortable for me too, but fuck it, a lesson needs to be taught. So we spooned...I was the big spoon,if I was the lil spoon he would be able to feel my ass with his pelvic area and that's unacceptable. So I spooned the shit out of him, it was about 120 degrees with the heat on, plus our body heat, and to top that off, I insisted we talk about our feelings, I asked him every annoying question a girl could, 'what should we name our kids, what's on your mind, name 11 things you love about me, lets talk about every little detail about our dream wedding, I think we should make a scrapbook, lets describe what every page will look like, can you tell me where every freckle I have on my body is? If not I will cry hysterically because that means you don't love me, I told him about the first time I got my period and what it was like to become a woman..' And I made sure every time I said anything I breathed my hot breath onto the back of his neck. Finally he broke down under the heat and pressure and said 'I'm sorry I was late, it'll never happen again....' Haaaaa. I win. But you know...I'm single, solo, alone, without a partner,sitting alone at weddings, don't get invites to couples dinner parties at friends houses, people trying to set me up with their crossed eyed cousin...so take this advice or leave it.

First VLOG

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=_dwuLZd9rOk

Thank you for shopping at Walmart.....

Did you know at Walmart they sell opinions? Yea, I didn't know that either until I went there tonight to buy some stuff and got the opinion of some shit fuck who works on cash. All I know is she needs to have her ovaries scooped out because I can't live in a world with more people like her and she shouldnt procreate. Here's the situation, I go to Walmart to buy some red hair dye because my hair was fading into hooker territory. So I grab what I needed and proceeded to register 10. The chick starts ringing my stuff through and she says "I just don't really know if I'm sold on your hair colour, like red only looks good on a certain type of person you know?" Ohhhh hell mother fucking no. Okay bitch, I don't need opinions from some washed up piece of trash who has a busted up ombré style hair do, where your roots are brown as shit, and your tips are yellow like your teeth. But I stay angry inside, and just reply with "I'm truly sorry you feel that way...(I look at her name tag) Winter". Of course her name is Winter, why the fuck wouldn't it be? So she continues ringing my stuff through. "Ohhh I hate this chap stick, it tastes so weird." Wanna know what else tastes weird? All that herpes ridden dick you suck, since you have an outbreak on your upper lip. But I just stay silent, I can't waste my talented words on this bitch. I resist the urge to take her stupid baby blue vest and jersey her with it, just pull it over her head and sock her right in her mouth. But I can't risk the chance of getting the herp on my knuckles. She has one last thing to ring through, it was a notebook, there is nothing she can say about this. She probably doesn't even know what a notebook is since I highly doubt she went to school beyond daycare. I was wrong, she has a question regarding the note book. "So are you like in school or something?" I reply "Nope, I write down ideas I have for my blog and other writing projects when they come to mind." She says "oh....so you like write? What do you like write about?" I shallowly respond "People like you...situations like this." And she just makes some noise that resembles a hippo in heat and cashes me out and doesn't say another word to me. This isn't a smash on Walmart, I worked there for 3 years and it was hilarious as fuck and I worked with some smart, lovely, intelligent people. This is a smash on Winter, and her mother for naming her Winter, and Winter's green glittery eyeshadow and over plucked eye brows. I come to Walmart for your everyday low prices not the opinion of you or any other Customer Services Reps named after a season. Okay Winter?

27

Today I turned 27. It took me way too long to get out of bed today. Mostly because I was lazy, but also because my entire body needs a cracking. I'm only a day older than I was yesterday but it's like my body just knew that I am officially 27, and to me I may as well be 70. I spent 5 minutes plucking out grey eyebrow hairs. That's rubbish. My eye brows mean a lot to me, and it hurts me personally to see them be abused like that. I sneezed today and hurt my back, and possibly peed a bit, I'd say I peed my pants, but I wasn't wearing any...let's be honest with each other, I was dancing around singing Taylor Swift not wearing pants...and this is why you always make sure you knock and wait like 5 minutes after said knock before walking into my house otherwise we will both stand there embarrassed. I recently had a quarter life crisis and dyed my hair fairly vibrant red. I think it looks nice, there is a fair line between red tones, it can look hella fashionable or super Russian hooker-ish. I'm sitting riiiiight on that line, I'm one shampoo wash away from looking like a cheap hooker. Not a bad thing, maybe I can get paid to go on terrible dates that I go on!? Speaking of being single, I'm feeling a lot of pressure to settle down. I swear whenever I see my mom she just stares at my uterus and wonders why it hasn't been occupied with dozens of grand babies for her to love and kiss. Well mom, I like my vagina the way it is. It is pristine. I don't need some baby clawin it's way out just yet. A lot of my friends are married, soon to be married, and they talk about when they plan on having kids. Well fuck, you plan for that? I really just always assumed my kids would be a surprise and conceived while I was in a food coma after eating at the Mandarin or something. But it's become pretty apparent I will be that odd 'auntie' hanging out with these friends and their lil kids. They will have cute play dates at the park and I will show up hung over, ashamed, still in last nights clothes, the walk to the park will be my walk of shame. My friends will talk about all their mommy stuff, changing diapers and chapped nipples from breast feeding, and I will talk about the guy I met last night who has mommy issues and likes to play mommy and baby and he sucks his thumb after sex or something messed up. Yay growing up! Just a little experiment to this blog, I've had a few requests for me to do a few VLOGS as well for me to do some answer and question blogs, apparently people think it's funny for me to answer relationship, sex, or questions about my self. So I am willing to give er a try. If you have any questions about anything, just email them to leanne_45@hotmail.com or private message me on Facebook. Your questions will remain anonymous unless you specify and want to have your 15 mins of fame! Once I get enough questions I will write a blog with the responses and possibly do a VLOG :) hollllla.

It's not Thanksgiving but I'd like to give thanks...

This isn't going to be my typical blog. But I wanted to take the time to give a shout out to my friends! These ladies are some of the funniest bitches I know. Our love for gangsta rap at a wedding and popping asses and dropping it down low is very entertaining! My fav part of being on the dance floor at a wedding with these crazy ladies is when they look at me and say 'uhhh are you going to blog about this?'. I don't feel comfortable saying people's real names on here, only because I suspect I have some creeps that follow this and I don't need my friends getting scooped up and skinned by some homicidal maniac. But I want to give a shout out to, J-aka hun'reds on yo' tittys bitch. I greatly appreciate you playing gangsta rap at your wedding, especially when a wu-tang song comes on! B, Digz, S...you ladies kill it on the dance floor every time, you ladies make me laugh so hard, love you! To M aka baby momz, in your womb you are growing our lil group peanut! We are all excited to be aunties, and I suspect you will have lots of Wutang onesies for this lil one, I love you like a sister and I'm excited to see you with big ol pregnancy tittays lol. I need to give a shout out to my ladies' boyfriends and husbands, you guys are troopers tagging along with us gals to the dance floor, tearing shit up with us! A big shout out to K, he always tells me he reads this blog, and encourages me to make it more provocative. To A, every time I write a blog post I send it to you to make sure it's funny, you always make me laugh and you have never passed judgement on how messed up my mind is! Thanks for always being supportive and worrying if I got murdered if I don't reply to your text within 5 mins. I appreciate that you would always text me to tell me exactly how long it would take for you to come over to my house so I knew exactly when to put on pants! To Ernie, although you live very far away right now, I know our hearts will always be connected. I know recently we had some disputes about how you don't like chips, and I just can't comprehend that, but then I told you I like Darius Ruckers version of Wagon Wheel better than the original and I think you didn't talk to me for a few hours after that, but we still love each other! You always tell me the honest truth about things, and I love you for that! Thank you to my cousins who encourage me to keep writing these posts, and that offer to let me share some of their funny stories! I love you guys and have turned out to be this way because of our hilarious experiences together! I'd thank my sister, but she refuses to read this blog because she hates blogs, and she told me to write a book instead! But thanks to her anyway for excepting me for who I am! A big shout out to my brother, you were my other half when it comes to personality! You made me laugh harder than I ever have. Every time anything ridiculously funny happens I feel that you are up in heaven making this shit happen to me just so I can laugh a it! You found joy in making people laugh and smile, and I hope to continue on with that for you. The night you died I stayed up all night and watched Kings of Comedy, I knew you'd rather see me laughing than crying! To my Mom, I know you read this blog but never comment on it nor seem to pass judgement! The only thing she has said about it was, "I really didn't think you looked like a lesbian in that leather jacket, Leanne." Thanks for understanding that I'm weird, odd and foul. To my Dad...you better never see this because I demanded you never read it! Lol Thank you to everyone on Facebook who diligently shares my blog to their friends and family! I'm glad I have a hand full or two of people who read this blog and enjoy it! As cheesy as it sounds it makes me really happy when I get messages from you guys saying you we're having a bad day and my blog made you laugh! Thanks for laughing with me, and likely at me once or twice! Love, Leanne