The day we were no longer virgins...she said VS. He said

This is going to come as a surprise to some of you, but I am not a virgin. I know right? I just blew your minds.I thought it would be interesting to do a little experiment. I've always had a weird obsession about hearing peoples stories of how they lost their virginity. It's always hilarious even when it's not meant to be, luckily for me, I'm still friends with the guy who got the honour of taking my V-card. So I am forcing him to write a dual blog post here about our experience of taking the plunge into sexual beings. I asked him to write down how he remembers it, and without reading his, I am writing down how I remember it, and let's see if the experiences turn out the same and if we remember all the same details. Here is my story of the day he plucked my flower from my garden, Justin and I were always boyfriend and girlfriend throughout public school, I want to say it started in grade 3, possibly before then but I'm going to say grade 3. He was the class clown and I was pretty much how I am now but weirder looking, terrible glasses, terrrrrible hair and I wore a lot of fleece zip up vests. Justin was just the cutest, usually had a mushroom cut, wore a lot of yellow, and was the kid no parent wanted in their group when we went on field trips. Clearly my bad boy obsession started at a very young age. Over the years Justin did really cute things to win me over, such as giving me a plastic ring in the shape of a spider to declare his love for me. He left a single red rose on my seat at the IMAX theatre when we went there for a field trip, the rose was accompanied by a note asking if I'd be his girlfriend again...likely for the 50th time that year, we broke up a lot. It was clear at that moment, this boy had my heart,and in a few years, he'd be the first guy to climb Mount Lula (lula is my nickname for my vagina). Over the years Justin was my first everything, first kiss (in a closet during school), first dry hump, etc. But to be fair, I know Justin was a lot of girls first kiss, he was a pimp in public school, no doubt about that. Justin moved on from cute love notes, to perverted notes slipped to me during grade 8 math class that said things like, 'just touch it....' I eventually did touch it, I touched it in math class, and eventually the entire class including my teacher found out I gave Justin a handjob(and by handjob I do mean I think I just touch his peepee) in math class which is when the nickname 'jerky jerky' was coined. That is also when I learned how to laugh things off and roll with the punches. We finished public school and were entering high school. We still hung out and usually met at the local hockey arena near by. At this point we both knew what sex was and I knew, well at the time thought we were ready to mash our private parts together. I believe it was either the march break going into high school, or the march break during our first year of high school, but I know for a fact it was march break. We met up at the arena, hanging out on the top floor, which was always empty. Justin spent days trying to convince me to have sex in the hallways of this cold arena. I wanted our first time to be special, so we made plans to meet up at his house because his mom would be at work during the day. I remember putting on my best fleece vest, and black ModRobe pants. I walked over to his house and rang the door bell, Justin opened the door with this big, goofy grin, and way too much gel in his hair, but he was still the cute, goofy boy I swooned over in grade school. How I remember it, we kissed, and then he said...'so, you like stuff?' And he grabbed my hand and led me up stairs. I don't think there was any foreplay. I don't really think teenagers take their time prior to penetration. I do remember him struggling with putting the condom on. When he did get it on, it was go time. To be very honest, I think the first minute he spent humping my thigh. But eventually he got the rabbit in the rabbit hole and we were no longer virgins. I can't even really recall the specifics of his penis, not that it's not memorable but more because there has been a penis or two in my life since his, and I don't think I could identify what his penis looks like in a penis line up. I recall Justin asking if I was doing okay, so that was nice to know he cared about my well being. But really Justin, neither of us knew what we were doing and you didn't really beat the pussy up that time. We finished, well...he finished. I don't think I knew that a female should finish too at that young age. But the sex ended.i think the whole ordeal from start to finish lasted as long as a commercial break on T.V. He laid there in bed with the biggest smile I have ever seen in my entire life, and I lay there worrying about everything that happens now that I am no longer a virgin. We got dressed and headed over to our friends house. I made him promise to not tell our friends, but when we got there and our group of friends were hanging out in the basement watching movies and we walk in, Justin with a grin the size of a School bus and myself being wayyy to quiet and flushed in the face, gave it away that we had done the hanky panky. I'm very happy I shared that special moment with Justin, we were longtime friends, and still are! He is now the father of two boys, and has an amazing fiancé, he is a local rapper, which always made me laugh because I lost my virginty to a white guy, but he turned out to have more street cred than any black guy I've had sex with. Okay, so now on to his side of the story, .................................................................. "sooo me and a buddy were looking at the fact that we were highschool virgins. to be honest I dont even think we were actually in highschool yet but it was comming up fast and we were like yooo...apple pie. We knew if we were gonna be cool we had to get laid. TV taught me that. So how we got these girls to come over is a little hazy. I think it was foggy that day. regardless, when they came over I remember hanging out in the living room for a little bit, then bringing Leanne upstairs leaving our friends in that room. I burned a cd of music that i liked at the time and was like this is the cd im going to be listening to when i dive into the messy flesh flower for the first time ever for! i was pretty hyped about it. I dont know if I was smoking pot at that time yet but if it was in my life chances are I was high for it. so we went into my bedroom, then i think some more fog drifted in or something and i ended up the bathroom. I think she told me to fuck off for a minute or something. maybe i was doing it wrong? or she needed to prepare or something. I don't know how it works for girls. either way, i looked down at my dick and smiled at it. I was like yaaaaa. but the minute i touched it I ejaculated everywhere. i was like wut the fuck! it wasn't even really hard yet i didn't understand. I looked back at it and was like you muther fucker you better not fuck this up for me. so I cleaned up and was like ok..time to face the music i so cleverly selected. i came out and she was under the blanket. i wanted to rip the blanket off and fondle her vagina akwardly until I learned how it worked. like the time me and greg dobbs smashed his brothers radio so we could look inside and see whats going on. but i was like...shes probably not going to go for that so i dropped my pants and jump in under the covers. my dick didn't really get too hard cause i just spermed all over my bathroom but i was like i dont give a fuck! im going to fuck right now! i might have made out with it first i dont remember. but i do remember the first time i placed my manhood into the warm sweet embarce of vagina. my dick got hard and it lasted a minute if i'm lucky. in my head i was like ok, im gonna have to work on this but at least i set my foundation for being cool when i get to highschool. im not gonna feel like carlton on the fresh prince of bel air in the episode where the guys are in the beach house talking about sex and carlton gets embarrassed cause hes a virgin so he ends up sleeping with the wife of some dean to a prestigous college he was hoping to attend. only he didnt know she was married so he gets sad. its a good episode. anyways im SirReal the real deal Holyfield and I took away Leanne's virginity.".................................and there you have it! The same story...told in two different ways! What I learned about losing my virginity, it wasn't show stopping, the world moved on, there was no article in the London Free Press the next day. We both grew up to be two odd adults, me a wanna be comedian and him a white rapper, it's not a sappy love story, but it's our story., and a big shout out to Justin for writing his story for me, even though he didn't want to, but that just reminds me of how powerful pussy really is, it can still make a guy do anything you want him to do, even if he hasn't seen your vagina for over a decade!

If I don't live through the night....

It's a rarity that I post more than once a day, but you're in for a treat, because something traumatic happened, and I have too much to say for just a Facebook status update. So, I was downtown in a coffee shop writing and when I left there I stopped by a store to buy some stuff, one of the items was a bottle of pop. I got home and cracked it open, took a sip and just as I swollowed I realized the pop was flat and that when I twisted the cap it was loose, god fucking damnit, it was already open. Now for anyone who lives in the city that I do, you know the people who hang around downtown, so I can only imagine the type of person tampering with my pop. So, these are my worries. Someone skeeted in the pop, now I'm pregnant, because the sperm made it all the way through my digestive system into my uterus. Science would try to tell me otherwise on that theory but fuck you science it could happen. Someone could've put AIDS infected blood in the pop, and that'll really piss me off, if I didn't get AIDS from the sketchy tattoo place I got my first tattoo at when I was 16 but I got it from drinking coca cola Ima be angry. I just picture some hobo with no teeth, wearing a ratty old Metallica tshirt and black tear away pants that have poop stains on the ass, licking the inside of the pop bottle I just drank out of. What if I just got drugged? I'm going to be alone in my house tripping bawls all high off some mystery drug, I will wake up from my daze with a half shaved head, a burning anus from trying to do a DIY anus bleaching kit, missing 3 out of 10 toe nails, and have a collection of midgets locked up in my basement all because I took a sip of a pop that was tampered with! Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?! If I don't make it through the night, make sure someone deletes my internet history before my parents see it, please just take my underwear drawer and throw it out, don't look in there, there are too many things in there I don't want my loved ones pondering about for the rest of their lives. And make sure I get buried without pants on. I hate pants.

If only life lessons were taught like they were shown on Full House.

I am not a parent and I may never be, it all just depends on how drunk a guy can get me during my most fertile days of the month that determines my chances of becoming the mommy to some lil rascal. But I do know, there are certain things parents should always talk to their kids about, if these certain subjects aren't discussed it can be traumatic for the kid when they are forced to find other means to figuring shit out on their own. You don't need to go all Danny Tanner from Full house and sit your kids down at the dinner table, and have sappy music playing in the background to get the point across to your children. I'm going to use my own personal experiences to let all the parents out there realize how important it is to give your kids some cheesy, awkward after school chat about the things they have to look forward to in life.and I want to start this off by saying I have amazing parents, they did a great job of raising me and my siblings, but they likely feared certain conversations and didn't go over the basics with me...so these are the stupid things I discovered on my own. Let's start off with simple hygiene, like shaving my legs, my mom didn't give me the talk about this, but I got made fun of at school for having hairy legs, so I found a razor and sat in the bathtub with the razor in my hands and had no idea what to do with it. I didn't use any kind of soap, lotion or anything that would make my first shave easier. So I went at it, and sliced a 4.5 inch gash into my ankle and literally when I pulled away the razor there was a piece of skin that looked like turkey jerky. I nearly bled to death in the bathtub and spent the next 3 weeks trying to hide the wound from my mom. Next topic, the first time I got my period, now I know the guys won't want to hear about this, but you never know if you will have a daughter who will need you to talk to her about this. My parents didn't talk to me about what would happen when I officially became a woman, when I finally got my period, it wasn't like it is in the Carrie movie, there isn't a mass amount of blood everywhere and no one is throwing tampons at you in the high school locker room showers. Instead I went to go pee and noticed I had brown stuff in my sailor moon underwear, I thought I sharted and was dying of embarrassment in the washroom thinking I had to throw out my fav pair of undies because I pooped in them, I told my mom, super embarrassed and she said, ya you got your period and handed me a box of pads. And that was the end of that conversation, I was now a woman, and you become a woman by sharting in your panties! Now on to the most embarrassing part of it all....when I was a preteen I knew the word penis, I knew boys had it, didn't really know what it was for or what it did, but I knew my dog Shadow had a penis, and when he would get all excited this pink slimy slug looking thing would come out from his penis. So I just kind of assumed that's what humans penises looked like too. And when I became a teenager interested in sex, and boys, and experimenting with the boys, I was kind of grossed out thinking of that image of how a dogs penis looks like being in or near any part of my body. So the first time I saw a real life human male penis, I was upset because I thought the guy wasn't interested in me because the little pink slimy thing didn't come out of his penis when he was excited. It took me a few moments to clue in that humans penis and dog penis do not look anything alike. Although the guy and the dog had same features about them, always trying to sniff my crotch. Moral of the story is, parents, talk to your kids about things, I know it's awkward and weird and no one wants to have these conversations, but your kids will likely be thinking weird fucked up things unless you tell them the realty of it all. But if you don't want your daughters giving blow jobs at a super young age just show her a picture of a dogs excited penis, and I assure you that she won't be eager to suck a dick anytime soon!

I don't like it when you talk while looking at my vagina.

Sometimes in certain situations, silence is golden. I know when people work with customers or clients they think they need to fill the silent void and constantly talk. But it just makes the situation awkward. A perfect example of this is when you go to a doctor or a gynaecologist (my auto correct is trying to change that to say gun colonist lol). Whenever I go to see the vagina doctor for a quick check up on the elusive pink panther it usually turns into an awkward situation. You get changed into your backless, assless gown, laying on your back with your feet in stirrups, then the doc asks you to scootch down a lil bit more, then you move your butt down an inch, the doc says, ohhh a lil more, so you move a lil more, your ass cheeks decide to eat the white crunchy paper that is lining the table thing you are laying on, you don't move down enough for the doctors liking and she/he just grabs your hips and moves you down to where your ass should be. Your legs are spread eagle in a bright, veryyyyy well lit sterile room, and you start to panic wondering if you missed a spot while shaving your legs. While your vagina is out in the wide open, the doctor is looking right at her, and this is when I want it to be silent. No words need to be spoken, just do what you need to do, enjoy the view, and we will go on our way. But nope, the doctor thinks this is the perfect time to chat it up. With one finger inserted inside of me she asks, 'so, Leanne, what do you do for a living?' I start freaking out, can she tell what I do for a living by the wear and tear of my vagina? I think of jokes to make about it, maybe tell her I am currently inventing a Chapstick for your vagina lips to prevent chapping in the winter weather!? but I just say I am in customer service. She is probably thinking 'ya....customer service...do you mean servicing dick?' She then starts talking about The show, Orange is the new Black, a show about women in a prison who are horny and usually sex each other up. Whyyyyy is the doctor talking about a show with lesbian tendencies while digging through my clam like she is looking for a pearl?! She continues to make small talk all while staring right at my love box. In moments like this I rather just listen to the slight hum and buzz of the fluorescent lights then have her blowing wind from the chitchat onto my labia.

'The shit my friends and family say...' Featuring guest writer Alexandra Love

"Like me, I’m sure many of you have things that turn you on. Whether it be men with beards, men with money, men with ten foot cocks that will ruin your insides should you allow them to get inside your fragile pussy. Some people even have fantasies that turn them on whenever they think about acting them out with a willing person. Some are normal, like schoolgirl or hot librarian… the typical. And then, we have the weirdest, oddest, craziest, don’t know how you came up with that one, fantasies. Back when I was promiscuous and curious about the world of sex, drugs and cock&roll, I had an experience with an odd man. Now don’t get me wrong, he was nice, there was just something a little off the first time I met him. Then, later on down the road, when things heated up, I really discovered how odd this man was. Let me point out here that I am open minded and will usually try anything once, so in the bedroom I usually don’t turn anything down. So I’m at his place and we’re in bed, things are getting hot and he asks me if he can put on some music. And I said, hell yeah, put on something nasssty and make me feel like one of the whores in the Candy Shop music video. So he runs over to his stereo and as I’m ready to start bumping and grinding with him, I hear an odd sound. The music he was playing. It was familiar to me, soothing in a way, but at the same time it dried up my pussy as if someone stuck a ShamWow up there. It was Beethoven! You know, the classical musician, the deaf guy with the white hair (white hair a turn OFF by the way). I thought, for sure he put in the wrong CD, or put on the wrong radio station. But he started walking back to the bed to continue where we left off. It wasn’t a mistake. I asked him what this music was for and he said we were going to fuck to it. He said he loved fucking to classical music and it really turned him on. He said he wanted to picture me as an innocent virgin from back then and he was disgracing his family name by having sex with me. I reminded myself that I was open minded about this kind of thing and I pushed my way through the rest of the night (sex is sex, right?) Needless to say that was the last time I ever saw Mr. Classical again."

Not all posts have to be funny, putting aside the dirty jokes for a moment

Sometimes it is necessary to take the time to clear the air and to break things down for the ignorant people that polute other peoples lives. Every person will have to face an ignoramus at one point or another, we will all have those people who will try to defecate on our hopes and dreams and can't pull their own head out of their ass for a moment to realize sometimes small things mean more in life then all the big things combined to some of us. When I started this blog I didn't think I would have anyone reading it, I could never imagine that even one person out there would care enough to read my simple, unintelligent, baffling bullshit that I would be typing and posting. But for me, I needed this. Sometimes in life things get to heavy, the shear weight of your past and your shattered soul from life's complications become too much of a burden for ones heart to handle. My comfort blanket is my humour. The day my brother died I tried to laugh to myself that I wouldn't have to pay him back the $20 I owed him, or that I could now have the sweater of his he would never let me wear, it was much easier to make a joke and find a laugh then it was to face the fact that my life as I knew it was destroyed. Sometimes when you're the funny person, people forget to ask if you're doing okay, because us funny people are experts in turning any situation into an entertaining tale so people always just assume we are happy go lucky people. To some people this blog is just dumb and a waste of time, to me it's a saving grace, my own thoughts and sadness were weighing me down the last year or so, I couldn't find a way to make my self happy. Every time I see that even one person read my blog my heart heals itself a little. Ever since I was really little I loved making people laugh, laughter is the best medicine. I don't have any other talents, I'm not skinny, pretty or tall enough to be a model, or smart enough to be a doctor, I'm not deligent enough to go to law school for a decade to become a lawyer. But...I am witty and funny enough to write some stupid, haphazard words down and present it in a way that will always get a laugh. And for me, that's worth it, that's my talent, that's my forte. When I was little and you asked my mom what her kids would grow up to be she would say my sister would be a lawyer, my brother would be an architect and I would be a comedian. At the time I was insulted, how could you think your daughter would ONLY be a comedian, but now my heart grows with joy as I finally realize that's what I want to do, I don't care if I make a dime off of that, or if my name is never a headliner of a comedy show, or if no one beyond my circle or friends and family reads my blog. I am doing my part in this universe by making people laugh. I always think about how my blog or my humor could change someone's mood, shift your thoughts from sad, depressing, heartbreaking thoughts to funny, uplifted moods because I made you laugh about a crooked penis. I always think that if someone made my brother laugh 8 years ago the day he was planning on committing suicide he may be here to enjoy my successes instead of me writing comedy to mask a crushed soul that was left behind from his decision to end his life. Comedy makes life seem more bearable for me, if I can make a joke out of it, it's not that bad. I lay in bed at night and rehearse my stand up act, and imagine how loud the audience will laugh at certain jokes, or I will look into the crowd and see someone wipe a tear from their face because they are laughing so hard, and in that 5 minutes I'm on stage I'm doing my part, I'm making people forget about their worries and their pain, in that moment I am sharing my comfort blanket of comedy with them. To anyone who thinks this is a dumb blog and that I'm wasting my time chasing a dream, or if you get annoyed that I blow up Facebook with this stuff, I just want to say go check yourself and your life out before you speak another word to me, what do you offer to this world to make it better? Be happy for me that I get to live out a childhood dream, some kids wanted to be superheroes, or race car drivers or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh, be happy that I get to live out a life long dream in a simple, yet plausible manner. And I'm sorry I got real sappy on this, and I promise you I have a blog post about vagina doctors coming up real soon. As always, thanks to everyone who say things to me like 'Leanne, grow a pair, stop thinking you're not funny enough' you are the people who matter. As well, 6000 + blog views..boooo yaaaa!

'The shit my friends and family say', featuring guest writer Tyler Hubz

Hello ! Well I guess I should start by saying my name is Tyler and I am Leanne's cousin. I've known Leanne since I guess you could say her birth, weve always gotten along fairly well although you would never guess we're related. If we were walking down the street together and you saw us most would think were a couple of fuck tards who just got off shift at the recycling depot. Anyways the topic at hand today is gonna be hospitals. You see I recently had surgery at st.pauls hospital in Saskatoon Saskatchewan, that is where I live , and no I don't fuck my sister or cousins, I don't wear overalls or plaid shirts with cowboy boots, that shit only happens in the united states, saskatoon is a normal fuckin city ok? Anyway, back to the hospital, so I went in for surgery and anyone who has had surgery knows that you are not allowed to eat or drink anything for like 24 hours before your surgery, which I understand I guess. So I am waiting in a room on the second floor to go in for surgery and at this point its been what seems like a week I haven't eaten and Im fucking starving and thirsty to the point where the old man beside me with tubes keeping him alive is starting to look like a fucking turkey leg, but I know I can manage. So finally I get called to go up for surgery and they tell me to take the elevator to the 5th floor and they give me the directions. I get in the elevator press 5, the door closes, the elevator goes up, I reach floor 5 the ding goes off and the doors open. As soon as those doors open my immediate thought is " oh you dirty fucking cunts ". Those doors opened and I walked into willy wonkas fucking chocolate factory!!! There were vending machines with chips, cookies, sandwiches, fucking icecream, pop, juice, energy drinks, chocolate bars you name it and it was in a vending machine lining the hallway leading to the operating room check in area. Now Im not a genius or anything but Im pretty fuckin sure the guy who has the authority to make that judgement call was just being a fuckin dick face thinking he is funny!! Is it really necessary to have the west edmonton mall food court on a fuckin hospital floor full of people that haven't eaten in 24 hours and can't eat ? The worse part is that when you awake from surgey and 24 hours of not eating the bastards feed you a piece of stale fucking toast with crunchy peanut butter that started out as smooth peanut butter back in 1995. Thats pretty much all I gotta say about that bullshit, hope you enjoyed my miserable experience!

VLOG time...it's all about eyebrows!

Forgive me in this video, I'm a grumpy clam, and starting to get sick! Check out the youtube video at .... http://youtu.be/BjpEC-5d8DM

Autocorrect,you cock blocking son of a bitch.

As if being single isn't hard enough, us single people have to contend with many variables that keep us single. Such as, the friend in the club acting as a wing man/woman but really just complicates the situation and ends up ruining the chance of us single people getting it in that night. But now we have a new-aged cock blocking system that is sure to dry up a vagina or limp up a dick faster than you can press send on your cell phone. This cock blocking son of a bitch is.....auto correct. Technology has come a long way in the last 5 years, whoever invented auto correct and predictive text was both a genius and a royal ass hat all mixed into one human being. Way back yonder when you were dating or swooning someone you had to get out some ink and paper and write a love letter to your sweetheart and mail it off, and in 3 to 5 business days your cutie would receive this steaming hot letter full of cute poems, maybe a little taboo naughty talk, then in turn they would write down their feelings and send off their reply of written love whispers and the multiple paragraphs about how they long for your tender touch. Now, thanks to the easy access of email, Facebook, and texts we can send our filthy thoughts, needs and wants all over the damn place in a matter of seconds. But touchscreens and autocorrect combined with greasy Doritos fingers really put a damper on the mood. The lights are turned down low, your pants are on the ground next to your bed, you get out your phone and decide to text the man you've been swooning after. You type, 'baby, I long for your touch, I miss your breath down the back of my neck, I want you to lick my titties....' You press send, and just when it's too late and the little check mark indicating your message has been sent to the recipient, you realize, auto correct thinks it knows better and has changed all your words. Now my message says, 'Bobby, I long for your tongue, I miss your breasts down the back of my taint, I want you to lick my midgets....' Dude replies back saying 'first of all, my name isn't Bobby, it's Jacob, and I don't really feel comfortable with your love of men with breasts, and what exactly is a taint? And why do you have midgets?! They are people too, Leanne...they are not pets....I don't think we should see each other anymore....' Wellllll for fuck sakes autocorrect. You sure know how to make a penis invert don't you?!

Ever wonder why Santa's cheeks are red?

People who are counting down until Christmas need to simmer the fuck down. Santa would be disappointed in your behaviour. Santa is a distinguished man with a beard and most importantly a moustache, he doesn't want you worrying about Christmas until Movember is over, let's take the time to get excited about the glorious month of moustache rides, they provide great entertainment and are usually free! Unlike Christmas which costs people a ridiculous amount of money. So friends, count down til Movember! It's such a lovely month, men raise money for a great cause, women get facial hair tickling their inner thighs, and if you're lazy and don't want to shave either, your inner thighs can tickle his moustache back! It's so romantic! My fav part about Movember is how it's like playing a game of Russian roulette when you're single, you meet a guy with a stellar moustache and you don't know if he's participating in Movember or if he is just a creep with a dirty moustache that smells like a mixture of dried salami and a hooker named Brandie Alexis. I recently told someone who was talking about Christmas to calm down and put the count down to a halt and she threw an ounce of attitude towards me and said 'listen, Santa only comes once a year...' Bitch, have you seen Mrs. Claus' caboose? Baby got back, I doubt Santa only comes once a year *wink wink*. Why do you think Santa's cheeks are always so red? They are all chaffed from giving moustache rides during the month of Movember!