Da Baby Boom of 2014!

It seems like this long, cold winter has caused quite the baby boom, it seems as though everyone has had a baby or is pregnant. I guess that the logical thing to do when it's cold out is to get balls deep into a warm vagina. But along with this baby boom epidemic comes with sever case of baby fever for childless women in their prime child bearing age. Even for a very slight moment when I cradled my best friend's new born son in my arms, my empty uterus tried to trick me into sitting on the next dink I saw to get pregnant, I had to take my uterus on a candy filled tour of Bulk Barn to talk her into waiting a little longer before we create a baby. I decided to write a blog about all the reasons to NOT have a crib midget (baby). Now there is the obvious reasons one is not ready to have a baby, such as you don't have a significant other-but that is a minor detail-sperm can be found pretty much anywhere, and how about the fact that you don't have a great paying job? Bah, no problem, I see plenty of mother's who use the Government as their personal bank account, they walk around with their nails done, wearing lulu lemon and have enough money to go out on weekends to drink, clearly having a stable job and having a baby are not in direct correlation to one another. But here are the other not so obvious reasons I know I am not ready to become a Mom despite my ticking time clock that is counting down inside of my uterus.

• I like to sit on the toilet and not get interrupted by a small child. When you become a parent you must face the fact that you will be having an audience when you pee and poop, along with that audience comes the questions about why you have hair on your genitals etc. 
• I think it's totally acceptable to name my child Forrest, but I will spell it 4rest. That's a great reason to not have a child yet, until I come up with better names. 
• I love eating my meals that I spend my precious time cooking, hot, not ice cold. When you have kids, you will likely never eat a hot meal again. Kids don't get the concept of just sitting down and eating, just as you go to take a bite of food, they will need a drink, once you get that drink for them, sit down, get a fork full of food, that same kid will need ketchup, etc etc. 
• Remember those good ol days of non-scheduled sex? Or being as loud as you could be until your neighbours called the cops? Making love on the kitchen table? Ya...no...not anymore. Parents need to pretend like daddy is helping mommy change a lightbulb in the laundry room just to get a quick handjob while the kids watch Dora The Explorer. Daddy's dick goes soft every time the kids abruptly yell 'Swiper noooo swiping'...and if you have no idea what that phrase means, you soon will. You will never watch an adult based show again during day time hours.
• I love sleeping, I love sleeping for more than 3 hour intervals at a time. 
• I like using my boobs for play not for nourishment for a baby gumming on my nips til they are chapped and bleeding. 
• I loveeee my vagina and it's current condition, I'm not ready to turn it into ground beef to give birth to a baby.

People say being a parent is the most amazing thing you could ever do in your life. But just because all of your friends are ready for that hurdle doesn't mean you need to be replacing your birth control pills with tic-tacs anytime soon. Kids change everything, and if you aren't ready to adjust your life for that baby, and be in the most selfless state of mind you can possibly be in, maybe you aren't ready. On that note...I gotta go roll some change to take to Shopper's Drug Mart and buy me a year's supply of plan b pills....