Thursday, August 8, 2013
All the single ladies....
I don't really know how Beyonce thinks she has the right to make a song about single ladies, and make it empowering and enchanting like it's a fucking victory being single. No where in her song does she talk about how slim your pickings are if you are a single lady nearing your 30s. Let me tell you the sad reality which is my life. The men I get hit on by typically have some mysterious stain on their shirts, let's categorize that by putting it in the 'blatant disregard for hygiene' category. The next most common trait...men with not a damn tooth in their mouth. Is it worth it for me to take this toothless bird under my wing and put him on my benefits package and get him a grill? Am I getting that desperate? Men in wheelchairs adore me, now this isn't that big of a deal. Dating a man in a wheelchair isn't so bad...when we fight and he tries to stroll away, I can just put a stick in his wheel and yell "WHERE YOU GOING huh?" I will win every fight. So we can look at that as an advantage.
Now let's talk about past dates I've been on. *If you are my Mother or Father please skip this section, pretend like this is a choose your own adventure book and you just skip to the next paragraph*. Years ago I went on a date with a very handsome man, a tattoo artist. Funny guy, charming, just
enough sass to keep me on my toes. We go for a date at a local pub and order wings, we decide on getting a mix of hot and suicide wings. Dude proceeds to tell me he likes it when a girl eats hot sauce then sucks his man parts. He said it added 'a flare'. What.the.fuck. Why would anyone disrespect Franks Red Hot sauce like that? Bitch, I DO NOT put that shit on everything including your god damn dick. Okay, on to a more recent date. This very nerdy man asked me out on a date, at the time he asked me out he was paying me for my services....noooo, I'm not a hooker, he was paying for his meal at the restaurant I used to work at. So he was paying, and he was at the 'tip amount' screen of the debit payment....wellll fuck, I can't say no or he will tip me terribly. So, I agree to go on the date with this lil hermit. Days later we meet up for a coffee, he paid for it, so that's nice to get a free coffee. I'd like to start off by saying he is a very nice, funny, insanely intelligent mechanical engineer....I'd like to continue on by saying he had THE smallest girl hands I've ever seen. The chances of him having a big ol penis was slim to none, realistically. The thought of his petite hands feeling me up made my vagina close right up like a Venus flytrap. How can someone with such small hands even get the full effect of my obnoxiously large white girl ass? So, that being said, I ended the date with a 'I will keep in touch...'
Moral of the story is, fuck you Beyonce....don't glamour the idea of being a single lady. It's not all 'oooo oo ooooo now put yo' hands uppppp' for us single bitches. The reality is we sit in the corner with our bag of Cool Ranch Doritos and try not to cry at the thought of the men we are left to choose from.
Now let's talk about past dates I've been on. *If you are my Mother or Father please skip this section, pretend like this is a choose your own adventure book and you just skip to the next paragraph*. Years ago I went on a date with a very handsome man, a tattoo artist. Funny guy, charming, just
enough sass to keep me on my toes. We go for a date at a local pub and order wings, we decide on getting a mix of hot and suicide wings. Dude proceeds to tell me he likes it when a girl eats hot sauce then sucks his man parts. He said it added 'a flare'. What.the.fuck. Why would anyone disrespect Franks Red Hot sauce like that? Bitch, I DO NOT put that shit on everything including your god damn dick. Okay, on to a more recent date. This very nerdy man asked me out on a date, at the time he asked me out he was paying me for my services....noooo, I'm not a hooker, he was paying for his meal at the restaurant I used to work at. So he was paying, and he was at the 'tip amount' screen of the debit payment....wellll fuck, I can't say no or he will tip me terribly. So, I agree to go on the date with this lil hermit. Days later we meet up for a coffee, he paid for it, so that's nice to get a free coffee. I'd like to start off by saying he is a very nice, funny, insanely intelligent mechanical engineer....I'd like to continue on by saying he had THE smallest girl hands I've ever seen. The chances of him having a big ol penis was slim to none, realistically. The thought of his petite hands feeling me up made my vagina close right up like a Venus flytrap. How can someone with such small hands even get the full effect of my obnoxiously large white girl ass? So, that being said, I ended the date with a 'I will keep in touch...'
Moral of the story is, fuck you Beyonce....don't glamour the idea of being a single lady. It's not all 'oooo oo ooooo now put yo' hands uppppp' for us single bitches. The reality is we sit in the corner with our bag of Cool Ranch Doritos and try not to cry at the thought of the men we are left to choose from.
As I am...
For years friends and family have marvelled in the ridiculousness that is my life. Now, I will share it with the world! I sit here telling myself I will not have regrets about what I blog about, but so far I have one small regret...why the hell did I decide to blog the day after I had a hood rat moment and applied press on nails?! Yea, I said it, press on nails...but they are matted black with gold tips, my inner Shanniqua couldn't resist the temptation. For those of you who have me on Facebook know that my inner Shanniqua is mourning the loss of my black BabyPhat purse whose strap broke recently. Since I don't have the money to purchase a new weave to please Shanniqua, a set of $11.99 ghetto certified press on nails will have to do. That being said they are a bitch to type with!
I'd like to start off by stating a disclaimer or two about this blog, if I offend you I'm sorry (and by 'sorry' I do mean that I'm sorry your opinion isn't welcome here), if you see a story on here that you question may or may not be about you...well it probably is, and if you think about suing me...best of luck to ya, the only valuable things I have in my possession are my 18" nappy hair extensions, passwords to numerous porn sites, and 14 different makeup products to create the fiercest eyebrows ever.
This blog will contain my opinions, stories, rants, hopes, dreams, and the obnoxious thoughts that swim around in my brain!
To my friends and family, this is for you and your entertainment! Most of you have listened to my comedic styles for years, if not decades! I hope this blog provides you with the Leanneisms you need to live a happy and fulfilled life.
To my mother, I apologize. I know when you first held me as a new born baby fresh from your womb you didn't envision your little baby girl having the personality of a drunken truck driver, for that I am sorry. I would like to thank you for not letting me listen to Alanis Morrisette when I was younger because she was 'too foul', it was at that moment I searched for other music and I discovered Wutang Clan who taught me more swear words than Alanis ever could. My vocabulary blossomed.
To the hipsters of the world, who think it's cool to wear tacky reading glasses. Where the fuck were you when I was 11, an insecure preteen who had to wear glasses because I was blind as shit? Why didn't you make it cool back then? Huh?!
To the Universe, thank you for always sending the weirdest human beings in my direction. I always have something to laugh about, and to now blog about. Keep those freaks coming my way!
As for the youngin's and the sensitive bitches out there, this will be an uncensored blog with grown
up tales, you have been warned! That being said, I am off to start writing blog entries!
I'd like to start off by stating a disclaimer or two about this blog, if I offend you I'm sorry (and by 'sorry' I do mean that I'm sorry your opinion isn't welcome here), if you see a story on here that you question may or may not be about you...well it probably is, and if you think about suing me...best of luck to ya, the only valuable things I have in my possession are my 18" nappy hair extensions, passwords to numerous porn sites, and 14 different makeup products to create the fiercest eyebrows ever.
This blog will contain my opinions, stories, rants, hopes, dreams, and the obnoxious thoughts that swim around in my brain!
To my friends and family, this is for you and your entertainment! Most of you have listened to my comedic styles for years, if not decades! I hope this blog provides you with the Leanneisms you need to live a happy and fulfilled life.
To my mother, I apologize. I know when you first held me as a new born baby fresh from your womb you didn't envision your little baby girl having the personality of a drunken truck driver, for that I am sorry. I would like to thank you for not letting me listen to Alanis Morrisette when I was younger because she was 'too foul', it was at that moment I searched for other music and I discovered Wutang Clan who taught me more swear words than Alanis ever could. My vocabulary blossomed.
To the hipsters of the world, who think it's cool to wear tacky reading glasses. Where the fuck were you when I was 11, an insecure preteen who had to wear glasses because I was blind as shit? Why didn't you make it cool back then? Huh?!
To the Universe, thank you for always sending the weirdest human beings in my direction. I always have something to laugh about, and to now blog about. Keep those freaks coming my way!
As for the youngin's and the sensitive bitches out there, this will be an uncensored blog with grown
up tales, you have been warned! That being said, I am off to start writing blog entries!
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