I don't really know how Beyonce thinks she has the right to make a song about single ladies, and make it empowering and enchanting like it's a fucking victory being single. No where in her song does she talk about how slim your pickings are if you are a single lady nearing your 30s. Let me tell you the sad reality which is my life. The men I get hit on by typically have some mysterious stain on their shirts, let's categorize that by putting it in the 'blatant disregard for hygiene' category. The next most common trait...men with not a damn tooth in their mouth. Is it worth it for me to take this toothless bird under my wing and put him on my benefits package and get him a grill? Am I getting that desperate? Men in wheelchairs adore me, now this isn't that big of a deal. Dating a man in a wheelchair isn't so bad...when we fight and he tries to stroll away, I can just put a stick in his wheel and yell "WHERE YOU GOING huh?" I will win every fight. So we can look at that as an advantage.
Now let's talk about past dates I've been on. *If you are my Mother or Father please skip this section, pretend like this is a choose your own adventure book and you just skip to the next paragraph*. Years ago I went on a date with a very handsome man, a tattoo artist. Funny guy, charming, just
enough sass to keep me on my toes. We go for a date at a local pub and order wings, we decide on getting a mix of hot and suicide wings. Dude proceeds to tell me he likes it when a girl eats hot sauce then sucks his man parts. He said it added 'a flare'. What.the.fuck. Why would anyone disrespect Franks Red Hot sauce like that? Bitch, I DO NOT put that shit on everything including your god damn dick. Okay, on to a more recent date. This very nerdy man asked me out on a date, at the time he asked me out he was paying me for my services....noooo, I'm not a hooker, he was paying for his meal at the restaurant I used to work at. So he was paying, and he was at the 'tip amount' screen of the debit payment....wellll fuck, I can't say no or he will tip me terribly. So, I agree to go on the date with this lil hermit. Days later we meet up for a coffee, he paid for it, so that's nice to get a free coffee. I'd like to start off by saying he is a very nice, funny, insanely intelligent mechanical engineer....I'd like to continue on by saying he had THE smallest girl hands I've ever seen. The chances of him having a big ol penis was slim to none, realistically. The thought of his petite hands feeling me up made my vagina close right up like a Venus flytrap. How can someone with such small hands even get the full effect of my obnoxiously large white girl ass? So, that being said, I ended the date with a 'I will keep in touch...'
Moral of the story is, fuck you Beyonce....don't glamour the idea of being a single lady. It's not all 'oooo oo ooooo now put yo' hands uppppp' for us single bitches. The reality is we sit in the corner with our bag of Cool Ranch Doritos and try not to cry at the thought of the men we are left to choose from.
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