If I don't live through the night....

It's a rarity that I post more than once a day, but you're in for a treat, because something traumatic happened, and I have too much to say for just a Facebook status update. So, I was downtown in a coffee shop writing and when I left there I stopped by a store to buy some stuff, one of the items was a bottle of pop. I got home and cracked it open, took a sip and just as I swollowed I realized the pop was flat and that when I twisted the cap it was loose, god fucking damnit, it was already open. Now for anyone who lives in the city that I do, you know the people who hang around downtown, so I can only imagine the type of person tampering with my pop. So, these are my worries. Someone skeeted in the pop, now I'm pregnant, because the sperm made it all the way through my digestive system into my uterus. Science would try to tell me otherwise on that theory but fuck you science it could happen. Someone could've put AIDS infected blood in the pop, and that'll really piss me off, if I didn't get AIDS from the sketchy tattoo place I got my first tattoo at when I was 16 but I got it from drinking coca cola Ima be angry. I just picture some hobo with no teeth, wearing a ratty old Metallica tshirt and black tear away pants that have poop stains on the ass, licking the inside of the pop bottle I just drank out of. What if I just got drugged? I'm going to be alone in my house tripping bawls all high off some mystery drug, I will wake up from my daze with a half shaved head, a burning anus from trying to do a DIY anus bleaching kit, missing 3 out of 10 toe nails, and have a collection of midgets locked up in my basement all because I took a sip of a pop that was tampered with! Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?! If I don't make it through the night, make sure someone deletes my internet history before my parents see it, please just take my underwear drawer and throw it out, don't look in there, there are too many things in there I don't want my loved ones pondering about for the rest of their lives. And make sure I get buried without pants on. I hate pants.

If only life lessons were taught like they were shown on Full House.

I am not a parent and I may never be, it all just depends on how drunk a guy can get me during my most fertile days of the month that determines my chances of becoming the mommy to some lil rascal. But I do know, there are certain things parents should always talk to their kids about, if these certain subjects aren't discussed it can be traumatic for the kid when they are forced to find other means to figuring shit out on their own. You don't need to go all Danny Tanner from Full house and sit your kids down at the dinner table, and have sappy music playing in the background to get the point across to your children. I'm going to use my own personal experiences to let all the parents out there realize how important it is to give your kids some cheesy, awkward after school chat about the things they have to look forward to in life.and I want to start this off by saying I have amazing parents, they did a great job of raising me and my siblings, but they likely feared certain conversations and didn't go over the basics with me...so these are the stupid things I discovered on my own. Let's start off with simple hygiene, like shaving my legs, my mom didn't give me the talk about this, but I got made fun of at school for having hairy legs, so I found a razor and sat in the bathtub with the razor in my hands and had no idea what to do with it. I didn't use any kind of soap, lotion or anything that would make my first shave easier. So I went at it, and sliced a 4.5 inch gash into my ankle and literally when I pulled away the razor there was a piece of skin that looked like turkey jerky. I nearly bled to death in the bathtub and spent the next 3 weeks trying to hide the wound from my mom. Next topic, the first time I got my period, now I know the guys won't want to hear about this, but you never know if you will have a daughter who will need you to talk to her about this. My parents didn't talk to me about what would happen when I officially became a woman, when I finally got my period, it wasn't like it is in the Carrie movie, there isn't a mass amount of blood everywhere and no one is throwing tampons at you in the high school locker room showers. Instead I went to go pee and noticed I had brown stuff in my sailor moon underwear, I thought I sharted and was dying of embarrassment in the washroom thinking I had to throw out my fav pair of undies because I pooped in them, I told my mom, super embarrassed and she said, ya you got your period and handed me a box of pads. And that was the end of that conversation, I was now a woman, and you become a woman by sharting in your panties! Now on to the most embarrassing part of it all....when I was a preteen I knew the word penis, I knew boys had it, didn't really know what it was for or what it did, but I knew my dog Shadow had a penis, and when he would get all excited this pink slimy slug looking thing would come out from his penis. So I just kind of assumed that's what humans penises looked like too. And when I became a teenager interested in sex, and boys, and experimenting with the boys, I was kind of grossed out thinking of that image of how a dogs penis looks like being in or near any part of my body. So the first time I saw a real life human male penis, I was upset because I thought the guy wasn't interested in me because the little pink slimy thing didn't come out of his penis when he was excited. It took me a few moments to clue in that humans penis and dog penis do not look anything alike. Although the guy and the dog had same features about them, always trying to sniff my crotch. Moral of the story is, parents, talk to your kids about things, I know it's awkward and weird and no one wants to have these conversations, but your kids will likely be thinking weird fucked up things unless you tell them the realty of it all. But if you don't want your daughters giving blow jobs at a super young age just show her a picture of a dogs excited penis, and I assure you that she won't be eager to suck a dick anytime soon!