Everyone poops....

It's pretty apparent that I am single. It will be very apparent why I am single after this post. I would like to offer a public service announcement to people starting a relationship or in a new relationship, hell maybe it even applies to people who are in non-open minded relationships. Ok, here it goes. I'm going to talk about poop. I understand people don't really think poop and relationship talks go together. But hear me out. Okay guys, you know how women always order a light salad on your first dates? Well it's not because they are concerned about their waist lines, it's because they don't want to take the chance of ordering a creamy, cheese covered pasta entree and have to shit instantly on your first date. Years ago I was dating my first love, we spent every moment we possibly could together. But if we were together for 24 hours a day, how could I find time to drop a deuce without ruining the chance of him ever getting an erection around me again?! So I would pretend to have a shower but I would just take a quick poop then just wet my hair so it looked like I took a shower. There would be days I would have to poop sooooo badly I would have the sweats going on, I felt like I may throw up. And all he wanted to do was cuddle and I just wanted to cry from the gas bubbles polluting my insides. So finally, I couldn't take it, it was go time. I looked him right in his big brown eyes and said 'Baby, you love me unconditionally right?" Of course he responded with a yes, but he look scared and worried and asked 'Is everything okay? Did you...did you cheat on me or something?' At this point I was even paler than I normally am, ready to puke and poop all at the same time from the pressure happening in my body. I very slowly said "No...babe...I didn't cheat...but...buttt...well you know....I...umm...I have to poop...I poop, I don't know if you know that girls poop...but I need to...and I feel like I may die right now....so...." He looked at me like I was a fucking moron, he literally patted my head and said "You're so special, go poop babe.' I skipped to the bathroom and as I pooped I felt such a relief, not just in my bowels, but in my relationship...I could be comfortable around him and not have to worry about that part of life. Now, in the first couple weeks of relationships I give the guy the "Everyone Poops" book that parents read to their kids about pooping and potty training. And I have the talk with them, girls poop, so deal with it. So yea...I'm still single.....