Thank you for shopping at Walmart.....

Did you know at Walmart they sell opinions? Yea, I didn't know that either until I went there tonight to buy some stuff and got the opinion of some shit fuck who works on cash. All I know is she needs to have her ovaries scooped out because I can't live in a world with more people like her and she shouldnt procreate. Here's the situation, I go to Walmart to buy some red hair dye because my hair was fading into hooker territory. So I grab what I needed and proceeded to register 10. The chick starts ringing my stuff through and she says "I just don't really know if I'm sold on your hair colour, like red only looks good on a certain type of person you know?" Ohhhh hell mother fucking no. Okay bitch, I don't need opinions from some washed up piece of trash who has a busted up ombré style hair do, where your roots are brown as shit, and your tips are yellow like your teeth. But I stay angry inside, and just reply with "I'm truly sorry you feel that way...(I look at her name tag) Winter". Of course her name is Winter, why the fuck wouldn't it be? So she continues ringing my stuff through. "Ohhh I hate this chap stick, it tastes so weird." Wanna know what else tastes weird? All that herpes ridden dick you suck, since you have an outbreak on your upper lip. But I just stay silent, I can't waste my talented words on this bitch. I resist the urge to take her stupid baby blue vest and jersey her with it, just pull it over her head and sock her right in her mouth. But I can't risk the chance of getting the herp on my knuckles. She has one last thing to ring through, it was a notebook, there is nothing she can say about this. She probably doesn't even know what a notebook is since I highly doubt she went to school beyond daycare. I was wrong, she has a question regarding the note book. "So are you like in school or something?" I reply "Nope, I write down ideas I have for my blog and other writing projects when they come to mind." She says "oh....so you like write? What do you like write about?" I shallowly respond "People like you...situations like this." And she just makes some noise that resembles a hippo in heat and cashes me out and doesn't say another word to me. This isn't a smash on Walmart, I worked there for 3 years and it was hilarious as fuck and I worked with some smart, lovely, intelligent people. This is a smash on Winter, and her mother for naming her Winter, and Winter's green glittery eyeshadow and over plucked eye brows. I come to Walmart for your everyday low prices not the opinion of you or any other Customer Services Reps named after a season. Okay Winter?

27

Today I turned 27. It took me way too long to get out of bed today. Mostly because I was lazy, but also because my entire body needs a cracking. I'm only a day older than I was yesterday but it's like my body just knew that I am officially 27, and to me I may as well be 70. I spent 5 minutes plucking out grey eyebrow hairs. That's rubbish. My eye brows mean a lot to me, and it hurts me personally to see them be abused like that. I sneezed today and hurt my back, and possibly peed a bit, I'd say I peed my pants, but I wasn't wearing any...let's be honest with each other, I was dancing around singing Taylor Swift not wearing pants...and this is why you always make sure you knock and wait like 5 minutes after said knock before walking into my house otherwise we will both stand there embarrassed. I recently had a quarter life crisis and dyed my hair fairly vibrant red. I think it looks nice, there is a fair line between red tones, it can look hella fashionable or super Russian hooker-ish. I'm sitting riiiiight on that line, I'm one shampoo wash away from looking like a cheap hooker. Not a bad thing, maybe I can get paid to go on terrible dates that I go on!? Speaking of being single, I'm feeling a lot of pressure to settle down. I swear whenever I see my mom she just stares at my uterus and wonders why it hasn't been occupied with dozens of grand babies for her to love and kiss. Well mom, I like my vagina the way it is. It is pristine. I don't need some baby clawin it's way out just yet. A lot of my friends are married, soon to be married, and they talk about when they plan on having kids. Well fuck, you plan for that? I really just always assumed my kids would be a surprise and conceived while I was in a food coma after eating at the Mandarin or something. But it's become pretty apparent I will be that odd 'auntie' hanging out with these friends and their lil kids. They will have cute play dates at the park and I will show up hung over, ashamed, still in last nights clothes, the walk to the park will be my walk of shame. My friends will talk about all their mommy stuff, changing diapers and chapped nipples from breast feeding, and I will talk about the guy I met last night who has mommy issues and likes to play mommy and baby and he sucks his thumb after sex or something messed up. Yay growing up! Just a little experiment to this blog, I've had a few requests for me to do a few VLOGS as well for me to do some answer and question blogs, apparently people think it's funny for me to answer relationship, sex, or questions about my self. So I am willing to give er a try. If you have any questions about anything, just email them to leanne_45@hotmail.com or private message me on Facebook. Your questions will remain anonymous unless you specify and want to have your 15 mins of fame! Once I get enough questions I will write a blog with the responses and possibly do a VLOG :) hollllla.

It's not Thanksgiving but I'd like to give thanks...

This isn't going to be my typical blog. But I wanted to take the time to give a shout out to my friends! These ladies are some of the funniest bitches I know. Our love for gangsta rap at a wedding and popping asses and dropping it down low is very entertaining! My fav part of being on the dance floor at a wedding with these crazy ladies is when they look at me and say 'uhhh are you going to blog about this?'. I don't feel comfortable saying people's real names on here, only because I suspect I have some creeps that follow this and I don't need my friends getting scooped up and skinned by some homicidal maniac. But I want to give a shout out to, J-aka hun'reds on yo' tittys bitch. I greatly appreciate you playing gangsta rap at your wedding, especially when a wu-tang song comes on! B, Digz, S...you ladies kill it on the dance floor every time, you ladies make me laugh so hard, love you! To M aka baby momz, in your womb you are growing our lil group peanut! We are all excited to be aunties, and I suspect you will have lots of Wutang onesies for this lil one, I love you like a sister and I'm excited to see you with big ol pregnancy tittays lol. I need to give a shout out to my ladies' boyfriends and husbands, you guys are troopers tagging along with us gals to the dance floor, tearing shit up with us! A big shout out to K, he always tells me he reads this blog, and encourages me to make it more provocative. To A, every time I write a blog post I send it to you to make sure it's funny, you always make me laugh and you have never passed judgement on how messed up my mind is! Thanks for always being supportive and worrying if I got murdered if I don't reply to your text within 5 mins. I appreciate that you would always text me to tell me exactly how long it would take for you to come over to my house so I knew exactly when to put on pants! To Ernie, although you live very far away right now, I know our hearts will always be connected. I know recently we had some disputes about how you don't like chips, and I just can't comprehend that, but then I told you I like Darius Ruckers version of Wagon Wheel better than the original and I think you didn't talk to me for a few hours after that, but we still love each other! You always tell me the honest truth about things, and I love you for that! Thank you to my cousins who encourage me to keep writing these posts, and that offer to let me share some of their funny stories! I love you guys and have turned out to be this way because of our hilarious experiences together! I'd thank my sister, but she refuses to read this blog because she hates blogs, and she told me to write a book instead! But thanks to her anyway for excepting me for who I am! A big shout out to my brother, you were my other half when it comes to personality! You made me laugh harder than I ever have. Every time anything ridiculously funny happens I feel that you are up in heaven making this shit happen to me just so I can laugh a it! You found joy in making people laugh and smile, and I hope to continue on with that for you. The night you died I stayed up all night and watched Kings of Comedy, I knew you'd rather see me laughing than crying! To my Mom, I know you read this blog but never comment on it nor seem to pass judgement! The only thing she has said about it was, "I really didn't think you looked like a lesbian in that leather jacket, Leanne." Thanks for understanding that I'm weird, odd and foul. To my Dad...you better never see this because I demanded you never read it! Lol Thank you to everyone on Facebook who diligently shares my blog to their friends and family! I'm glad I have a hand full or two of people who read this blog and enjoy it! As cheesy as it sounds it makes me really happy when I get messages from you guys saying you we're having a bad day and my blog made you laugh! Thanks for laughing with me, and likely at me once or twice! Love, Leanne

McRevenge

There's only been a few people I have met that I have secretly put them in the 'must seek revenge on this shit head' list. Here is the story of two people on that list. I get in moods sometimes, where I am a raginggggg bitch. And I'm in the wrong for ever going out in public when I'm in that state of mind. But if someone does something tremendously dumb or annoying when I'm in a 'Leanne state of mind' mood they are doomed. So, a while back I was going to Toronto for the day and I was going to take the Greyhound there. I decided to stop by McDonald's for breakfast, to get a beloved BLT bagel. They are fucking delicious. In my mind I thought this BLT bagel would brighten my day, I envisioned, sitting there outside waiting for the bus, birds a chirping, sun a shining, just enjoying life. But nope, the fucktards who work at McDonald's fucked that up. I order my bagel, after like 5 minutes of waiting for the girl working there to even acknowledge me because she was too busy adjusting her hat she has to wear. Bitch, you're wearing a McDonald's uniform, you can only look so cute with that shit. So, finally, she puts the order in, and the greasy,pimply, pre pubescent moustache wearing kid walks from the back of the food prep area to the front where the overhead menu is and stares at the picture of what goes on the BLT bagel. You have to be fucking kidding me right? He legit stared at me for a solid minute. Goes to the back and asks another employee what goes on it. So he attempts to make it, I can see him making it and he is royally fucking it up. But I'm not going to correct him right now, I need to see where this goes, for entertainment purposes. So he finishes making the sandwich, his bimbo partner in crime puts the sandwich in the bag, but the turd in the back didn't wrap it properly so the bagel fell outta the wrap and into the brown paper bag. She pretends she didn't notice and hands me the bag. I stand there, arms crossed, bitch face on, eyebrows raised (perfectly plucked and filled in may I add, they really add to my bitch face) and I ask her to get the guy from the back so I can have a word with them. She stares at me in awe, and I say..go get your friend from the back so we can all have a chat. Soooo, she goes and gets him. And they stand there just marvelling in my ridiculousness, I say to them "okay..now...you both are going to try this again. BLT is a an acronym for what goes on it...bacon...lettuce....and tomato. Not the sausage, cheese, one tomato and a pickle or whatever you decided to put on it. So you will make that properly, and then you (looking at the girl) will package it properly, don't act like you didn't see the sandwich fall outta the wrapper into the bag. Just don't pretend. I saw...I'm not impressed." They both stare for a little too long, and go make me my BLT sandwich. He finally got it right..but really. How the fuck do you not know what goes on a damn BLT? So I finally make it to the Greyhound station and get on the bus, I have an hour bus ride to sit and plan my revenge on these two. This is how the revenge scenario plays out in my mind...these two will fall in love while salting fries at McDonald's, they will get married and in 10 years have a couple of kids. One of those kids will be a boy...and in 18 years he will be out under aged drinking at a pub with his friends, he will meet this smoking hot cougar (that'll be me) he will fall in love with her, despite the age difference. He will take me home to meet the family on Thanksgiving Day. His mom will be appalled by the age difference and that her son is dating an older lady. She will be traumatized by this. Just heart broken. She knows she wont have any grandbabies because my uterus and eggs are just dried up to all hell by now. She will take her anger out on her husband (the fucker who couldn't make a BLT) and their marriage will suffer. And I will turn to them, look them both in the face and say. "You fucked with my BLT bagel, now I'm fucking with your son. McRevenge fuckersssss!"

Let's take a moment to talk about some things....

There are way too many 'fads' out there that I can't really comprehend. Let's start off with twerking. This dance doesn't look sexy, appealing, cool, or interesting at all. To me, this dance move looks exactly how I look at 2 am when I get a crazy bad leg cramp while sleeping and trying to shake it off. Next fad, the belly top, the mid drift show-er, the muffin top exposer, the 'that's not a tattoo, it's just my stretch marks from being pregnant 4 times' fad. Who in their right fucking mind brought this into society? I understand some of these fads and fashion trends are created for the cat walk. And yes, it does look great on some people....but it's never those people that wear this mid drift showing shirt. Now, I think women of all shapes and sizes can be beautiful. That being said, I have a belly, and I know that this fad is not for my body type. I tried doing p90x ab workouts and I just looked like Chris Farley rolling around on the floor, sweating from places I didn't know could sweat. So, I cover up my gut, I'm not ashamed of it, I've invested a lot of time and money into eating Doritos to accomplish this glorious cushion of love. But no fucking way in hell will I wear a top that shows it off. But I've been seeing wayyyyyy too many ladies wearing these belly tops that shouldn't be. I'm very happy that you are confident with yourself. But if you are as beautiful and sexy as you think you are, you will be able to show this off while covered up a little bit more. Maybe it's our fault for calling it the belly top, that's kind of misleading, since you may be like ehhhh I gots me a nice belly, I can wear this shirt! We should've called it the 'only if you have a toned tight stomach shirt and are between the ages of 18 and 23' shirt. Okay, now that I've likely insulted one or two people reading this, let's move on to the last fad. I can not understand why people wear these thick, black framed glasses for fun. There is no prescription, you are wearing them because you think it's cool to wear spectacles. I have worn glasses since 4th grade I think. And it's terrible. What these hipsters who wear fashion glasses do not understand is what it's like to cut a 4 inch long slice out of your leg because you can't wear your glasses in the shower while you shave your legs. Or how when you do your makeup while blind because you can't do your eye makeup and wear glasses at the same time, and then you do your makeup, put on your glasses to find out that your eyebrows are penciled in so thick you look like an angry bird, and that you actually applied mascara to your upper lip and not your lower eyelash. Orr how about when you are trying to get sexy with a guy, and you're making out, things are getting hot and heavy and you get off the bed to take off your shirt, you also remove your glasses, leaving you pretty much legally blind then you go to sexually crawl onto the bed but you miss it by an inch because you cant fucking see anything, and now you are laying on the ground like a moron. Soooo hipsters, you still think it's cool to wear glasses? What's next wearing braces for fashion and not function, every hipster walking around with head gear, skinny jeans, a skateboard they don't know how to use and a band tshirt for a band they don't even know? Fuck right off hipsters, and you too Miley Cyrus for trying to make twerking cool, go on wit yo' pancake ass.

JiffyPop test of endurance

I have a very sure fire way to find out if things will work out with a guy when we first start to date. I like to call it the 'I can't fucking tolerate that...' motto. I have certain quirks about me, one of which being, I can't fucking tolerate the way people eat popcorn. So, on the first date I make sure we go to the movies, and get some popcorn, and if the guy eats it quietly, and properly he stands a chance. But. If the guy eats it like a hungry/horny lesbian eating a 6 pack of hard shell tacos from Taco Bell the date ends right then and there. I can't fucking tolerate someone who can't eat popcorn normally. Now, I have friends who say 'dude, it's not THAT big of a deal if someone can't eat popcorn quietly, that's no need to break up with them.' Excuse me? So when we are cuddling on the couch watching all day marathons of Golden Girls we can't eat popcorn because he chews it like a cow chews its damn cud, and I can't hear what Blanche is saying over his ignorant chewing, should we eat fig newtons instead? NO! I can't budge on that, I want to enjoy popcorn during movies and tv shows. It's a great snack. You can't replace popcorn as a movie snack, but you can replace the guy who you sit and watch movies with. And I've done it, I sat there and stared at a guy who ate his popcorn ignorantly during our first date, he likely thought I was just admiring how fucking adorable he was. But I was truly just waiting to see how long it would take for him to choke and die from hoofing in a popcorn kernel the wrong way. I wouldn't save him, that's his mothers fault for not teaching her kid to eat popcorn like a normal person. She put her son out in society without teaching him the basics. Not my issue. So we never had a 2nd date. And I hate it when bitches complain about shit their men do that drive them bat shit crazy. First thing I ask, 'welppp, did you know about this annoying trait when you first started dating? Yes, yes you did? And this is one of your 'I can't fucking tolerate that...' topics? And you chose to still date him? And now you can't even look at him without wanting to snap his neck and then spit on his corpse?' When this happens, you can't be mad at the guy anymore, you have to be mad at yourself. You made that decision to stay with a guy even though he does the very thing that makes you tick. I feel like I'm doing that guy a favour by cutting it off after the first popcorn eating disaster. I don't want to act like it doesn't bother me, or that he can learn how to eat it properly, and then he doesn't. And then 10 years down the road we will be having family game night, sitting around the table playing Monopoly. And he is chomping away on this delicious fresh popped buttery popcorn, and I fucking snap, and smash his face into the Monopoly board, and the little game pieces are jammed into his face, little hotels piercing through his eyelids, Monopoly money splattered with blood, the cheap silver Scottie Dog token staring at me with a look of fear in his eyes. My two little kids traumatized for life. And what if eating popcorn like that is an inherited trait!? And my kids eat it like that too. and I have to sit around listening to my family sitting around sounding like they are chewing on stones? I would surely have a mental breakdown! All because I didn't leave him after the fist date when I knew he ate popcorn like an ignorant heifer..That would be irresponsible. This is called the JiffyPop test of endurance, it can make or break a relationship.

Mall rats

Yesterday I went to the mall to look for a pair of heels for a few upcoming weddings I am attending. Now, I should have known this was a mistake, I hate the mall, I hate the mall right before school starts and the mall is infested with teenage shit heads. I walk into the mall and I kid you not it smells like teen spirit. There are teenagers every where and at the front entrance of the mall there is a group of 5 teenage boys who all look like Justin Bieber who yell out words like 'penis!'every time anyone walks by them. But I got really confused, I thought they were advertising a sale of penises. And I got really excited, thinking maybe the mall isn't so bad after all, I can just come here and buy a box of penises. But these kids were just liars and were not selling penises. As I look for some shoe stores I notice there are about a million teenage girls who all look identical. Every single one of them were wearing weeeee little jean cut off shorts and belly tops. This is how I know I am old, when I notice this trend and I'm appalled by it. I sound like an old lady when I just want to hiss at them 'where are your mothers!?" I sadly walk on by tender tootsies and just want to go in there and buy myself a nice pair of loafers to wear, I need comfort now not style. But I head on over to some fashionable shoe store and stare at my options of 7 inch hooker heels. When I finally find a pair I like, I quietly whisper to the store clerk "ummm, do you...umm, have these shoes in a uhhhhh ummmm, ahem....size 10?" Bitch responds "ohhhh Hun, I don't know if we have them in a size THAT big!" She pretends to go check but really just stands behind the counter texting her boyfriend talking about anal. I'm just guessing that part, but I'm pretty confident my guess is a reality. I don't even know this girl but I just hate her and her life for judging me and my big feet. Do you know what they say about girls with big feet? We like guys with big feet because they have big penises. Anywhoooo, I go to like 4 other shoe stores and face the judgemental stares of these whores who work there. One girl tried to be helpful and got me a few pairs of shoes that were size 10s all of which were flip flops or looked like crocs. Sooo, fuck this noise, fuck all you shoe stores for giving me a complex. I do what any normal female would do and go to the food court, because when clothes or shoes don't fit, food court Chinese food will always comfort me. I go to ManchuWok, I get me some noodles and veggies and a coke, and sit down to enjoy this meal. As I'm digging my way thru the noodles, I can feel someone staring at me. I look up and there is this teenage girl sitting alone just staring directly at me. I ignore it and continue to eat. Every time I look up, this girl is looking at me, I get uncomfortable because I likely look like a fool trying to eat my noodles. I instantly start to worry if I have something on my face, did I accidentally wipe off my eyebrow at some point in the day? Whyyyyy is she looking at me so intently, I don't even think she has blinked yet. I start to get enraged. I want to go confront her, but I give her a friendly wave instead. Maybe she knows me? Bitch doesn't even bat an eye when I wave! Now I'm riiiiight pissed off. I sit there just staring back now. 5 mins go by, she reaches in her purse to get something, all while still looking at me. I get kinda worried, what if she pulls out a gat and shoots the shit out of me? Nope, guess what she pulls out....a walking stick....you know the red and white ones THAT BLIND PEOPLE use?!? I was in a staring contest with a blind teenager, and she without a doubt won. Now I sit there, with cold Chinese food, feeling like a fucking prick. I felt like the biggest asshole ever, the only asshole that will be bigger then how I felt in that moment, is the actual asshole of that judgemental shoe store clerk after her boyfriend was done with her last night. I fucking hate the mall.