A Mother's love

My mom is a kind hearted person, very loving, understanding and has sure put up with a lot of my antics over the years. Although she is a lovely person that kinda shit doesn't get ratings with my fan base, so here is a story about the one and only time my Mother has lied to me.

Years ago my Mom, sister and I went to the US to go on a girl's shopping trip. We ended up at Burlington Coat Factory and I came across this wicked awesome "leather" bomber jacket. I turned to my Ma and said "Be completely honest, does this jacket make me look like a butchy lesbian?" My mom looked me dead in the eyes and said "No, it looks great!" I was thinking to myself, hellll yes I look like a bad ass chick with my new digs. On the Monday morning I get dressed, and decided it was slightly nippy out so I would wear my new fierce jacket, show the world how fashion forward I am. I get my stuff for school and head to the subway station. As I am waiting on the platform for the train a lady wearing a ripped up jean jacket, combat boots, a nose ring on both sides of her nostrils and a bleached blond pixie cut approaches me and asks me for my number. Right then and there I realized my sweet,innocent Mother lied to me. She sent me out in this scary world to get bum rushed by lesbians. She will never admit that she did this on purpose. But I know she did it to get back at me for the shit I pulled in my teenage years! So, here I stand face to face with this woman, who wants to enjoy the all you can eat Taco Monday special. I politely tell her I am flattered but I am in fact straight....despite what my butchy leather jacket insinuates....she stared me down, eye fucked the shit outta me for about 42.7 seconds and went on her way. A week later, I wore the jacket again because it was cold out and I didn't have too many other options. Guess who hits on me at Starbucks? A lady! There is nothing wrong with being gay, or lesbian. It is a lovely thing, but for me I know that 100% I am a straight female. If I still am attracted to men after seeing a 3 inch penis, then I know I am a die hard wiener fan. And it is a factoid that pink does not look good on me, this is including and not limited to a pink vagina being on me. I also know that this jacket is without a doubt a pussy magnet and that my Mother did in fact lie to me.

..and this lil piggy went wee wee wee allll the way home!

If you are my Mother or Father...look away...do NOT proceed with this tidbit......I am way too old to get grounded......I'm sorry..I know...I can feel you just dying of embarrassment Mom...I get it...please don't yell...I love you. Everyone else...enjoy :) 


I have come to the conclusion that I hit my "peak" far too early in life when it comes to men. When I was in my teenage years I had so much penis thrown at me I didn't know what to do with it...literally...I had no idea what to do with it. Now, the only time a penis has been thrown in my direction lately was when my ex boyfriend got out of the shower and came at me with his flaccid penis yelling "look at the lil piggy". Mind you it did look like a lil pig's nose indeed, I give him extra points for the creativity. But sweet Jesus, really?! I don't really even know where this blog post is going, so I'm just going to leave you with the image of a flaccid penis engraved in your mind. You're welcome.

This PSA is brought to you by....

I had a few ideas for my next blog entry until I saw a few things today that set me riiiiight off and I had to interrupt my thought process because people are fucking idiots. This one is for a specific group of ladies. I'm going to call them the "no flush crew". These disgusting twats insist on not flushing the toilets in public washrooms. I have seen WAY too much human excrement to last me a life time of disgust. Every time I went to the washroom at work today I saw the taggings of the "no flush crew" I've narrowed it down to two motives of why these heffers do such a thing. First off we have the sows  who leave bloody tampons in the toilet. My guess is they are so fucking excited that they got their periods after that pregnancy scare after her one night stand with Pablo in the Taco Bell employee washroom, that she decides to leave the evidence of her menstrual cycle in the toilet for all to see! Bitch....high five your self that you dodged the pregnancy bullet once again this month. Pat your self on the back that the pull out method didn't fail you, dont leave that filth in the toilet for the next poor soul to see. Secondly, the "ladies" who like to leave the turd floaters behind. I'm guessing this is a pride thing. You are so proud of your super duper log that you just have to share it with your co-workers. Did you think we would marvel in this? That we would consider you a goddess that your anus can stretch to an ungodly size to get that thing out of your body? You were wrong...no one wants to see that shit..literally. If you are so proud of it, own up to it, take a picture and put that on Instagram, throw a filter on that, put a frame around it, maybe throw some text on er. You bitches that do this kinda stuff are just wrong, dead wrong. Stop it. Stop making me interrupt my daily blog programming to give you this public service announcement. Ya dig?!

3 inches of vengeance

There are 3 things that are all 3 inches long that have come WAY to close too my body and they have all traumatized me. 1) small Asian penis 2) the claws of a peacock (I got attacked by one years ago and I have a scar to prove it and 3) a centipede. I'm going to tell you about number 3...

Let me set the mood here for you....it was a lonely Saturday evening, I decided to have a glorious bubble bath. Lit some candles, got out my iPad, loaded up Songza, chose a play list, likely something called '26 and single on a Saturday night...' I let the bath run, poured in some vanilla liquid soap, which was from the dollar store...I spare no expense when it comes to alone time....I slowly sink into the warm water. I lather up my right arm pit, and start to shave the grasslands that have formed...when all of a sudden a centipede fucking slithers out of the overflow drain....slitherssssss I say! My exact words as I vaulted out of the bath tub were 'holy sweet mother of fucking Christ....' I have never moved so quickly, my cardio for the week was complete after that mad dash out of the tub. As I stand there naked, I get my iPad and Google 'can centipedes swim?' The answer was no, so I decided to let that fucker drown, keep him in the tub for a few days as a warning to any other critters that wanna try to watch me bathe. Needless to say, this traumatized me, I refused to have a bath or shower for much longer than I care to admit, I walked around with one half shaved armpit for a week at least.  I will never be the same, having a 3 inch centipede that close to my vagina has traumatized me, much like the Asian penis did....

Everyone poops....

It's pretty apparent that I am single. It will be very apparent why I am single after this post. I would like to offer a public service announcement to people starting a relationship or in a new relationship, hell maybe it even applies to people who are in non-open minded relationships. Ok, here it goes. I'm going to talk about poop. I understand people don't really think poop and relationship talks go together. But hear me out. Okay guys, you know how women always order a light salad on your first dates? Well it's not because they are concerned about their waist lines, it's because they don't want to take the chance of ordering a creamy, cheese covered pasta entree and have to shit instantly on your first date. Years ago I was dating my first love, we spent every moment we possibly could together. But if we were together for 24 hours a day, how could I find time to drop a deuce without ruining the chance of him ever getting an erection around me again?! So I would pretend to have a shower but I would just take a quick poop then just wet my hair so it looked like I took a shower. There would be days I would have to poop sooooo badly I would have the sweats going on, I felt like I may throw up. And all he wanted to do was cuddle and I just wanted to cry from the gas bubbles polluting my insides. So finally, I couldn't take it, it was go time. I looked him right in his big brown eyes and said 'Baby, you love me unconditionally right?" Of course he responded with a yes, but he look scared and worried and asked 'Is everything okay? Did you...did you cheat on me or something?' At this point I was even paler than I normally am, ready to puke and poop all at the same time from the pressure happening in my body. I very slowly said "No...babe...I didn't cheat...but...buttt...well you know....I...umm...I have to poop...I poop, I don't know if you know that girls poop...but I need to...and I feel like I may die right now....so...." He looked at me like I was a fucking moron, he literally patted my head and said "You're so special, go poop babe.' I skipped to the bathroom and as I pooped I felt such a relief, not just in my bowels, but in my relationship...I could be comfortable around him and not have to worry about that part of life. Now, in the first couple weeks of relationships I give the guy the "Everyone Poops" book that parents read to their kids about pooping and potty training. And I have the talk with them, girls poop, so deal with it. So yea...I'm still single.....

Lee's lessons of love. Volume 1

I am without a doubt the worst person to offer anyone relationship advice. I date guys who are so young they don't know the movie 'Clueless', so young they still have a hangover from their 19th birthday, which was likely the day before, I find men attractive who have stutters because when we fight it takes him so long to get out his argument that I win every fight because his opinions are incomplete therefore invalid, I date men with a lack of personality because there is no way I can date a guy who will outshine me but then I get bored with them. I always think I want a serious relationship but then I forget that with a serious relationship comes compromise and understanding, two things I don't fully comprehend. How can I date someone and let them use my good towels when they dry off their filthy hooves, or let them drool all over my comfy pillows which each have their very own designated spot in my perfectly arranged OCD bed? Although I am obnoxiously impossible and stubborn, I find the joy and love in the simplest of things when it comes to relationships. I doubted that love was real for awhile, that it was a fictitious emotion or event in one's life. Until the simplest moment happened many months back. I was dating a guy, things were good, but he was the type of guy to come over unannounced. I don't do well with that concept, at all. So there I am sitting on my couch, pantless (if I'm home alone pants are never apart of the equation), I'm watching Discovery Channel, I was really into the documentary on poisonous frogs, I was elbow deep into a bag of zesty Doritos, no makeup, nappy pony tail sprawled out on the top of my head, when all of a sudden my door opens and my boyfriend of like 2 weeks frolics in and stares at me. I sit there dumb-founded, super embarrassed covered in Dorito dust, looking like honey boo boo's mom. I wanted to die, the golden rule is you do notttt let the guy you are just starting to date see you in such a ridiculous state. Too make it worse, I'm pale as fuck so when I blush, this paper white powdery skin glows like a neon sign outside of a rub n tug. What happens next was the most romantic thing ever, this action made me think true love does exist....this guy takes off his pants, plops down next to me grabs the bag of chips, grabs the biggest,sloppiest handful of delicious Doritos and gives er hell. We enjoyed this special moment...pantless, covered in the glorious crumbles of artificial cheese flavoured corn chips. That right there kids is what you don't read about in Disney stories, but that, that is love.

And then there were 8!

I had a decent sleep, woke up to the birds chirping and the sun shining. I crawl out of bed at 5:50 am, go to the bathroom to wash my face; may I add that this face is full of acne because it can't make up its mind if I'm young enough to still have acne or old enough to have crow's feet, anywhoooo, I wash my face, and apply a moisturizer and look at the mirror and notice 2 of my super sassy fly ass press on nails are missing! I dig thru my makeup bag and find some extras and sit there on the toilet and glue them on so I don't look like too much of a hood rat walking around with 8 fabulous nails and 2 stank ass looking nails. I go on a mission to find the 2 nails that fell off in my sleep. I look every where, they weren't anywhere in my bed or surrounding area. I shrug it off and rehearse what I would say to a male sleep over buddy if he randomly found it in my bed at a later date. I go back to the bathroom and do my makeup and attempt to brush my hair. Now, for anyone who doesn't know me or doesn't know much about me. My hair is a nappy, tangly, matted to all hell and a bitch to brush, so I take the chump's way out and just don't brush it. But...today is Friday so I'm gonna go all out and brush at least the top layer. In the midst of brushing this rat's nest I hear a cling clang in the sink..I look down and what do I see? A matted black with gold tip super sassy hellllla fly press on nail! My fucking hair ate it in my sleep! My hair is always consuming things, it's like it likes to hoard objects! So if one was in there, the other one was in there too! If there is one thing I know about my hair, it likes to collect things in pairs-like it is Noah's Ark or some shit. I dig thru the nap to find the buried treasure and sure enough, there it was, the second nail! Keep it classy bitches.