Cashew dick

A couple of months ago I was minding my business, getting a grande crackacinno from Starbucks when this guy approaches me and gives me some stupid pickup line and asks if we could exchange numbers and meet up for drinks or food sometime. I wasn't really interested but I figure I will get two things out of this, 1) free food or drinks and 2) something funny to write about. Sure enough, here I am writing about this, and I got a few free meals seeing as we went on a few dates. Our first time out was nice, he was a decent enough guy and had a foul potty mouth, and I like it when people swear like a sailor, makes me feel like I'm at home. But my gut instinct was telling me to run (realistically I would just walk briskly, my fat ass isn't running anywhere, let's be honest) . But this guy and I stayed in touch and went out a few times despite what my instinct was telling me. Over the last couple of months I found it odd that he only really called or texted during the day. Usually between the hours of 9 to 5...the hours he worked. And our dates usually took place during lunch hour. Now, I don't know what gave this man the impression that I'm a moron. Everything about this situation screamed that he had a girlfriend or wife. So I bluntly asked him, and I haven't heard back from him since. And I know you read this blog fucker, so when you read this, I hope you realized you're an asshole. And you have TERRIBLE game, even Stevie Wonder could see this shit. I also hope you realize you're not good looking enough to get away with that shit, if you die, come back looking like Channing Tatum, then maybe I would be blinded by your good looks and have questionable judgement. Nothing about me screams that I have low self confidence, low morals or daddy issues, so go try your busted up playa playa moves on someone else you turd. And as well, find a more flattering penis pic if you're going to insist on sending them to women, that angle was not your friend. Cashew dick mother fucker.

My name is Leanne, I am 27, a single white female, a Virgo and I like longs walks on the beach....

People always seem to be curious as to what kind of man is my 'type'. It is a well known factoid that I am single. Along with being single, everyone always tries to hook you up with someone they know. Believe it or not, I don't really have a specific type that gets the kitty purring if you know what I mean. I've dated all different types of men, computer nerds, thugs, body builder steroid freaks, young guys who's balls just dropped, business men, students, and the list could go on. They all have one key factor in common....a penis. If you have a penis, you stand a chance. And a trait that goes well with having a penis is if no one else is claiming that penis. I'm not a fan of men who are married or in a relationship that try to be sneaky, you will get caught, and us bitches be cray cray , so you don't need that in your life. When you are in a relationship it's not acceptable to act as if pussy is an all you can eat Buffett and try to taste all the tacos you can from all different taco stands, eat at home homie, if you have a good, hearty meal at home, why go out to eat?! So if you are a cheater, you likely aren't my type. People always question what type of ethnic background I fancy in a man, and to be completely honest, if you lined up all the dick I've had in my life, it would look like a United Nations meeting. My vagina does not discriminate. She is an equal opportunist. If a guy comes up to me and makes me laugh right off the start it's a good sign, and if he can tell me a funny joke and has facial hair of some sort, chances are, he will be seeing my vagina sooner rather than later. I also need a guy to be slightly immature, immature enough to laugh at the word 'hyman', but mature enough to have a conversation and debates about important, more serious topics like, why did Doritos make 3D chips?! The age of a guy doesn't really matter, preferably young enough that you don't wear pastel coloured golf shirts and have a retirement villa in Florida, and you don't have grandchildren who are the same age as I am, but not so young that the only way I can calm you down during a fight is with a juice box and a cookie and an afternoon nap, and you're too young if the only reason you are dating me is so you have an adult to help you get in to watch rated R movies at the movie theatre. I like independent guys who aren't needy or clingy, I like when a guy understands I need my space and is okay with times where I want to be alone and read or write (aka watch Pornhub with no sound on and do comical voice overs to make the scenes way funnier) in another room while he watches tv or something, if I wanted someone to be around me all the time and never be able to get rid of you, I'd just get herpes. A man should be like a well trained erection...knows when to go away when you want him to, but is always there when you need him to be. I'm not really into guys with weird fetishes, to each their own, but somethings I'm just not into. Such as super intense foot fetishes, I'm sure it's great, the guy loves feet and would likely rub your feet all the time, but if he's always trying to rub your feet with his dick it's little weird, but I guess a foot massage is a foot massage regardless of what he uses to massage it?! There ya have it, that's what I'm looking/not looking for in a guy. All men who qualify to fill this position, please line up, single file, in alphabetical order, please bring 3 references, and proof of employment, and the position I'm looking to fill is...my vagina.

The day we were no longer virgins...she said VS. He said

This is going to come as a surprise to some of you, but I am not a virgin. I know right? I just blew your minds.I thought it would be interesting to do a little experiment. I've always had a weird obsession about hearing peoples stories of how they lost their virginity. It's always hilarious even when it's not meant to be, luckily for me, I'm still friends with the guy who got the honour of taking my V-card. So I am forcing him to write a dual blog post here about our experience of taking the plunge into sexual beings. I asked him to write down how he remembers it, and without reading his, I am writing down how I remember it, and let's see if the experiences turn out the same and if we remember all the same details. Here is my story of the day he plucked my flower from my garden, Justin and I were always boyfriend and girlfriend throughout public school, I want to say it started in grade 3, possibly before then but I'm going to say grade 3. He was the class clown and I was pretty much how I am now but weirder looking, terrible glasses, terrrrrible hair and I wore a lot of fleece zip up vests. Justin was just the cutest, usually had a mushroom cut, wore a lot of yellow, and was the kid no parent wanted in their group when we went on field trips. Clearly my bad boy obsession started at a very young age. Over the years Justin did really cute things to win me over, such as giving me a plastic ring in the shape of a spider to declare his love for me. He left a single red rose on my seat at the IMAX theatre when we went there for a field trip, the rose was accompanied by a note asking if I'd be his girlfriend again...likely for the 50th time that year, we broke up a lot. It was clear at that moment, this boy had my heart,and in a few years, he'd be the first guy to climb Mount Lula (lula is my nickname for my vagina). Over the years Justin was my first everything, first kiss (in a closet during school), first dry hump, etc. But to be fair, I know Justin was a lot of girls first kiss, he was a pimp in public school, no doubt about that. Justin moved on from cute love notes, to perverted notes slipped to me during grade 8 math class that said things like, 'just touch it....' I eventually did touch it, I touched it in math class, and eventually the entire class including my teacher found out I gave Justin a handjob(and by handjob I do mean I think I just touch his peepee) in math class which is when the nickname 'jerky jerky' was coined. That is also when I learned how to laugh things off and roll with the punches. We finished public school and were entering high school. We still hung out and usually met at the local hockey arena near by. At this point we both knew what sex was and I knew, well at the time thought we were ready to mash our private parts together. I believe it was either the march break going into high school, or the march break during our first year of high school, but I know for a fact it was march break. We met up at the arena, hanging out on the top floor, which was always empty. Justin spent days trying to convince me to have sex in the hallways of this cold arena. I wanted our first time to be special, so we made plans to meet up at his house because his mom would be at work during the day. I remember putting on my best fleece vest, and black ModRobe pants. I walked over to his house and rang the door bell, Justin opened the door with this big, goofy grin, and way too much gel in his hair, but he was still the cute, goofy boy I swooned over in grade school. How I remember it, we kissed, and then he said...'so, you like stuff?' And he grabbed my hand and led me up stairs. I don't think there was any foreplay. I don't really think teenagers take their time prior to penetration. I do remember him struggling with putting the condom on. When he did get it on, it was go time. To be very honest, I think the first minute he spent humping my thigh. But eventually he got the rabbit in the rabbit hole and we were no longer virgins. I can't even really recall the specifics of his penis, not that it's not memorable but more because there has been a penis or two in my life since his, and I don't think I could identify what his penis looks like in a penis line up. I recall Justin asking if I was doing okay, so that was nice to know he cared about my well being. But really Justin, neither of us knew what we were doing and you didn't really beat the pussy up that time. We finished, well...he finished. I don't think I knew that a female should finish too at that young age. But the sex ended.i think the whole ordeal from start to finish lasted as long as a commercial break on T.V. He laid there in bed with the biggest smile I have ever seen in my entire life, and I lay there worrying about everything that happens now that I am no longer a virgin. We got dressed and headed over to our friends house. I made him promise to not tell our friends, but when we got there and our group of friends were hanging out in the basement watching movies and we walk in, Justin with a grin the size of a School bus and myself being wayyy to quiet and flushed in the face, gave it away that we had done the hanky panky. I'm very happy I shared that special moment with Justin, we were longtime friends, and still are! He is now the father of two boys, and has an amazing fiancé, he is a local rapper, which always made me laugh because I lost my virginty to a white guy, but he turned out to have more street cred than any black guy I've had sex with. Okay, so now on to his side of the story, .................................................................. "sooo me and a buddy were looking at the fact that we were highschool virgins. to be honest I dont even think we were actually in highschool yet but it was comming up fast and we were like yooo...apple pie. We knew if we were gonna be cool we had to get laid. TV taught me that. So how we got these girls to come over is a little hazy. I think it was foggy that day. regardless, when they came over I remember hanging out in the living room for a little bit, then bringing Leanne upstairs leaving our friends in that room. I burned a cd of music that i liked at the time and was like this is the cd im going to be listening to when i dive into the messy flesh flower for the first time ever for! i was pretty hyped about it. I dont know if I was smoking pot at that time yet but if it was in my life chances are I was high for it. so we went into my bedroom, then i think some more fog drifted in or something and i ended up the bathroom. I think she told me to fuck off for a minute or something. maybe i was doing it wrong? or she needed to prepare or something. I don't know how it works for girls. either way, i looked down at my dick and smiled at it. I was like yaaaaa. but the minute i touched it I ejaculated everywhere. i was like wut the fuck! it wasn't even really hard yet i didn't understand. I looked back at it and was like you muther fucker you better not fuck this up for me. so I cleaned up and was like ok..time to face the music i so cleverly selected. i came out and she was under the blanket. i wanted to rip the blanket off and fondle her vagina akwardly until I learned how it worked. like the time me and greg dobbs smashed his brothers radio so we could look inside and see whats going on. but i was like...shes probably not going to go for that so i dropped my pants and jump in under the covers. my dick didn't really get too hard cause i just spermed all over my bathroom but i was like i dont give a fuck! im going to fuck right now! i might have made out with it first i dont remember. but i do remember the first time i placed my manhood into the warm sweet embarce of vagina. my dick got hard and it lasted a minute if i'm lucky. in my head i was like ok, im gonna have to work on this but at least i set my foundation for being cool when i get to highschool. im not gonna feel like carlton on the fresh prince of bel air in the episode where the guys are in the beach house talking about sex and carlton gets embarrassed cause hes a virgin so he ends up sleeping with the wife of some dean to a prestigous college he was hoping to attend. only he didnt know she was married so he gets sad. its a good episode. anyways im SirReal the real deal Holyfield and I took away Leanne's virginity.".................................and there you have it! The same story...told in two different ways! What I learned about losing my virginity, it wasn't show stopping, the world moved on, there was no article in the London Free Press the next day. We both grew up to be two odd adults, me a wanna be comedian and him a white rapper, it's not a sappy love story, but it's our story., and a big shout out to Justin for writing his story for me, even though he didn't want to, but that just reminds me of how powerful pussy really is, it can still make a guy do anything you want him to do, even if he hasn't seen your vagina for over a decade!

If I don't live through the night....

It's a rarity that I post more than once a day, but you're in for a treat, because something traumatic happened, and I have too much to say for just a Facebook status update. So, I was downtown in a coffee shop writing and when I left there I stopped by a store to buy some stuff, one of the items was a bottle of pop. I got home and cracked it open, took a sip and just as I swollowed I realized the pop was flat and that when I twisted the cap it was loose, god fucking damnit, it was already open. Now for anyone who lives in the city that I do, you know the people who hang around downtown, so I can only imagine the type of person tampering with my pop. So, these are my worries. Someone skeeted in the pop, now I'm pregnant, because the sperm made it all the way through my digestive system into my uterus. Science would try to tell me otherwise on that theory but fuck you science it could happen. Someone could've put AIDS infected blood in the pop, and that'll really piss me off, if I didn't get AIDS from the sketchy tattoo place I got my first tattoo at when I was 16 but I got it from drinking coca cola Ima be angry. I just picture some hobo with no teeth, wearing a ratty old Metallica tshirt and black tear away pants that have poop stains on the ass, licking the inside of the pop bottle I just drank out of. What if I just got drugged? I'm going to be alone in my house tripping bawls all high off some mystery drug, I will wake up from my daze with a half shaved head, a burning anus from trying to do a DIY anus bleaching kit, missing 3 out of 10 toe nails, and have a collection of midgets locked up in my basement all because I took a sip of a pop that was tampered with! Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?! If I don't make it through the night, make sure someone deletes my internet history before my parents see it, please just take my underwear drawer and throw it out, don't look in there, there are too many things in there I don't want my loved ones pondering about for the rest of their lives. And make sure I get buried without pants on. I hate pants.

If only life lessons were taught like they were shown on Full House.

I am not a parent and I may never be, it all just depends on how drunk a guy can get me during my most fertile days of the month that determines my chances of becoming the mommy to some lil rascal. But I do know, there are certain things parents should always talk to their kids about, if these certain subjects aren't discussed it can be traumatic for the kid when they are forced to find other means to figuring shit out on their own. You don't need to go all Danny Tanner from Full house and sit your kids down at the dinner table, and have sappy music playing in the background to get the point across to your children. I'm going to use my own personal experiences to let all the parents out there realize how important it is to give your kids some cheesy, awkward after school chat about the things they have to look forward to in life.and I want to start this off by saying I have amazing parents, they did a great job of raising me and my siblings, but they likely feared certain conversations and didn't go over the basics with me...so these are the stupid things I discovered on my own. Let's start off with simple hygiene, like shaving my legs, my mom didn't give me the talk about this, but I got made fun of at school for having hairy legs, so I found a razor and sat in the bathtub with the razor in my hands and had no idea what to do with it. I didn't use any kind of soap, lotion or anything that would make my first shave easier. So I went at it, and sliced a 4.5 inch gash into my ankle and literally when I pulled away the razor there was a piece of skin that looked like turkey jerky. I nearly bled to death in the bathtub and spent the next 3 weeks trying to hide the wound from my mom. Next topic, the first time I got my period, now I know the guys won't want to hear about this, but you never know if you will have a daughter who will need you to talk to her about this. My parents didn't talk to me about what would happen when I officially became a woman, when I finally got my period, it wasn't like it is in the Carrie movie, there isn't a mass amount of blood everywhere and no one is throwing tampons at you in the high school locker room showers. Instead I went to go pee and noticed I had brown stuff in my sailor moon underwear, I thought I sharted and was dying of embarrassment in the washroom thinking I had to throw out my fav pair of undies because I pooped in them, I told my mom, super embarrassed and she said, ya you got your period and handed me a box of pads. And that was the end of that conversation, I was now a woman, and you become a woman by sharting in your panties! Now on to the most embarrassing part of it all....when I was a preteen I knew the word penis, I knew boys had it, didn't really know what it was for or what it did, but I knew my dog Shadow had a penis, and when he would get all excited this pink slimy slug looking thing would come out from his penis. So I just kind of assumed that's what humans penises looked like too. And when I became a teenager interested in sex, and boys, and experimenting with the boys, I was kind of grossed out thinking of that image of how a dogs penis looks like being in or near any part of my body. So the first time I saw a real life human male penis, I was upset because I thought the guy wasn't interested in me because the little pink slimy thing didn't come out of his penis when he was excited. It took me a few moments to clue in that humans penis and dog penis do not look anything alike. Although the guy and the dog had same features about them, always trying to sniff my crotch. Moral of the story is, parents, talk to your kids about things, I know it's awkward and weird and no one wants to have these conversations, but your kids will likely be thinking weird fucked up things unless you tell them the realty of it all. But if you don't want your daughters giving blow jobs at a super young age just show her a picture of a dogs excited penis, and I assure you that she won't be eager to suck a dick anytime soon!

I don't like it when you talk while looking at my vagina.

Sometimes in certain situations, silence is golden. I know when people work with customers or clients they think they need to fill the silent void and constantly talk. But it just makes the situation awkward. A perfect example of this is when you go to a doctor or a gynaecologist (my auto correct is trying to change that to say gun colonist lol). Whenever I go to see the vagina doctor for a quick check up on the elusive pink panther it usually turns into an awkward situation. You get changed into your backless, assless gown, laying on your back with your feet in stirrups, then the doc asks you to scootch down a lil bit more, then you move your butt down an inch, the doc says, ohhh a lil more, so you move a lil more, your ass cheeks decide to eat the white crunchy paper that is lining the table thing you are laying on, you don't move down enough for the doctors liking and she/he just grabs your hips and moves you down to where your ass should be. Your legs are spread eagle in a bright, veryyyyy well lit sterile room, and you start to panic wondering if you missed a spot while shaving your legs. While your vagina is out in the wide open, the doctor is looking right at her, and this is when I want it to be silent. No words need to be spoken, just do what you need to do, enjoy the view, and we will go on our way. But nope, the doctor thinks this is the perfect time to chat it up. With one finger inserted inside of me she asks, 'so, Leanne, what do you do for a living?' I start freaking out, can she tell what I do for a living by the wear and tear of my vagina? I think of jokes to make about it, maybe tell her I am currently inventing a Chapstick for your vagina lips to prevent chapping in the winter weather!? but I just say I am in customer service. She is probably thinking 'ya....customer service...do you mean servicing dick?' She then starts talking about The show, Orange is the new Black, a show about women in a prison who are horny and usually sex each other up. Whyyyyy is the doctor talking about a show with lesbian tendencies while digging through my clam like she is looking for a pearl?! She continues to make small talk all while staring right at my love box. In moments like this I rather just listen to the slight hum and buzz of the fluorescent lights then have her blowing wind from the chitchat onto my labia.

'The shit my friends and family say...' Featuring guest writer Alexandra Love

"Like me, I’m sure many of you have things that turn you on. Whether it be men with beards, men with money, men with ten foot cocks that will ruin your insides should you allow them to get inside your fragile pussy. Some people even have fantasies that turn them on whenever they think about acting them out with a willing person. Some are normal, like schoolgirl or hot librarian… the typical. And then, we have the weirdest, oddest, craziest, don’t know how you came up with that one, fantasies. Back when I was promiscuous and curious about the world of sex, drugs and cock&roll, I had an experience with an odd man. Now don’t get me wrong, he was nice, there was just something a little off the first time I met him. Then, later on down the road, when things heated up, I really discovered how odd this man was. Let me point out here that I am open minded and will usually try anything once, so in the bedroom I usually don’t turn anything down. So I’m at his place and we’re in bed, things are getting hot and he asks me if he can put on some music. And I said, hell yeah, put on something nasssty and make me feel like one of the whores in the Candy Shop music video. So he runs over to his stereo and as I’m ready to start bumping and grinding with him, I hear an odd sound. The music he was playing. It was familiar to me, soothing in a way, but at the same time it dried up my pussy as if someone stuck a ShamWow up there. It was Beethoven! You know, the classical musician, the deaf guy with the white hair (white hair a turn OFF by the way). I thought, for sure he put in the wrong CD, or put on the wrong radio station. But he started walking back to the bed to continue where we left off. It wasn’t a mistake. I asked him what this music was for and he said we were going to fuck to it. He said he loved fucking to classical music and it really turned him on. He said he wanted to picture me as an innocent virgin from back then and he was disgracing his family name by having sex with me. I reminded myself that I was open minded about this kind of thing and I pushed my way through the rest of the night (sex is sex, right?) Needless to say that was the last time I ever saw Mr. Classical again."